Unearthing a Mystery
by TKR.87
Summary: Alexandra Cabot is a mystery to all, but Olivia Benson wants to unearth the mystery. Will Alex let her in and what will she find out? Rated M for TRIGGER WARNINGS and sexual content later on. A/O
1. Chapter 1

**I wanted to write Alex and Olivia again because I've missed it. There is something addictive about these two women together, don't you think? I haven't forgotten about any sequels, or prompt ideas you may have given, I just had this idea and it's been swimming around for a few days, and I had to release it. **

**Anyway, this one comes off the back of 'Guilt' and I think this is the episode that we really get to see Alex. This sees how Alex deals with her suspension and how she finally opens up to Olivia about her past and childhood. I don't want to give much away but this will be an emotional story, and comes with a TRIGGER WARNING. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own these delightful characters nor do I own SVU, obviously. **

Chapter 1:

Olivia believes she's a mystery.

The blonde hair that falls perfectly around her shoulders, the wisps that fall across her face, the way she sits on the edge of the brunette's desk and crosses her legs…and those legs, wow. Her body isn't a mystery but her heart.

Olivia often wonders, what makes her tick and who is she inside? Where she's come from and what secrets she's hiding because she certainly has some.

Yes, Alexandra Cabot is a mystery and one Olivia Benson would like to solve.

Olivia is attracted to her, who wouldn't be? It's no secret that the brunette prefers the female form much more than the male, although she has had relationships with both. For Olivia, there's something about women, they're more emotional and understanding, they're more sensual and accommodating and they don't take without giving.

And Olivia often wonders what Alex would be like as a lover. Alex, her name sounds so gentle on the brunette's lips and she wonder show it would sound in the midst of an orgasm, with her writhing beneath the detective. Olivia didn't know whether Alex was straight, or not, she had never got close enough to find out and she hadn't seen her with anyone, but still, she could dream about what it would be like to be with the blonde, couldn't she?

Olivia's heading into work and she knows must remain professional and allow her personal life to take a back seat. Not that she particularly has a personal life, but you know what she means. Those thoughts, about Alex.

As she takes a seat at her desk, her thoughts return to Sam Cavanaugh. It was the first time she had seen Alex look anything less than perfect. In fact, she had seen the blonde ADA look human and full of emotion that she often masked incredibly well.

Olivia had classed Alex as a friend by then, but the blonde was an incredibly hard person to get to know. She didn't give much away and would often change the subject when she was growing close to revealing anything personal. Olivia wasn't exactly forthcoming about her own personal life but she had found it easy opening up to Alex about her conception, her Mother's alcoholism and following death.

What Olivia couldn't understand is why this case? All the cases were tough and they all touched and affected each and everyone working them, albeit in different ways and for different reasons but Olivia had never seen Alex take one so personally. Whether it was because of Sam's actions, and Alex's guilt at pushing him to testify or whether it was something deeper and more personal to the blonde, Olivia knew this had changed Alex. It had changed her too, because it had stirred up feelings she was not ready to express or admit.

The physical attraction she could deal with, but the emotional attraction was something she was not expecting, and she certainly didn't think it was reciprocated.

However Alex had broken down in her arms, and cried. She had blamed herself and therefore her actions following Sam's suicide attempt and Mrs Cavanaugh's raw emotional outburst in the hospital had taken its toll. Olivia was not angry at Alex for letting her think she had a warrant to search the Cavanaugh home, she was disappointed as she had thought that they were friends, and that they had mutual respect for one another but she was not angry. She had been relieved to see that Alex wasn't the hard as nails, stoic ADA that had earned the moniker "The Ice Princess"

She wasn't made of ice, she was human and had emotions just like everyone else. Her one month suspension had been a bitter pill to swallow and she was ashamed. Olivia knew that much, she could see it, in the blonde's eyes. Alex's eyes were something that Olivia was drawn to instantly when she first met the ADA. They were powerful, a blue that Olivia had never seen before, they sparkled, and shone and Olivia had suspected that with every emotion, they changed colour, if ever so slightly. Olivia had seen angry a few times, she had seen determination, and she had seen happiness, on a rare occasion but she had never seen sadness, and Alex's eyes, they became a greyish blue, almost sea like…full of conflict.

She leans back in her chair. She wants to call round to the blonde's apartment, she had only ever been once and that was to ask for a warrant during a weekend that Alex had taken off. She hadn't stepped foot inside, instead had waited in the hall while the ADA read over the evidence and said she'd have a warrant first thing Monday. Olivia had attempted to catch a glimpse of the interior, but the blonde had stepped into the hall, closing the door to as she did so, therefore preventing any view that Olivia may have had otherwise.

She wanted to see that the woman was okay. She had seen a different side to a usually composed Alex and it intrigued her. She wanted to know why this case was different, why she broke the rules for this one lad. She wanted to understand why Alex had not told her that she didn't have a warrant, although she had told the blonde that she would have stuck by her, she wasn't sure if she would have. Olivia wanted to get to know Alex; she wanted to learn so much about the ADA and was frustrated that she hadn't been able to get closer.

Olivia makes a decision; she'll call round to Alex's after she finishes work, if it's not too late with a movie and chocolates. Surely Alex likes chocolate, who doesn't? If the woman doesn't want to see her then she'll deal with it. She just needs to know that Alex is okay.

* * *

Olivia knocks on the door to Alex's apartment. She doesn't know why but she's nervous and that is very much unlike Olivia Benson. Detective Olivia Benson does not do nervous yet here she is, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, one hand holding the DVD and chocolates and the other that has just knocked on the door in front of her, now shoved into her pocket.

Olivia wonders for a moment if Alex had looked through the peephole and seen it was her and decided not to answer, but as she does so the door opens and Alex looks at her with a questioning look "Liv, what are you doing here?"

Olivia holds back a laugh at how rude the blonde sounds, but she knows that Alex is blunt and straight to the point, even if she looks a little dishevelled. She's obviously been crying because her eyes are red and puffy and the clothes she's wearing, tracksuit bottoms and a white tee are hanging from her body. She looks tired, and much like shit and that immediately awakens something in Olivia's heart and she holds out the DVD and chocolates in her hand. "I thought you'd like these"

Alex doesn't take them but she retreats back inside the apartment leaving the door open. Olivia takes this as an invitation and follows the blonde. Alex sinks into the couch and answers "I don't eat chocolates"

Olivia furrows her brows "Who doesn't eat chocolates?"

Alex shrugged and Olivia feels her heart break for the woman. She didn't look like the Alexandra Cabot Olivia knew. The woman that she knew was strong, and icy. She didn't do downcast and depressed, like Olivia didn't do nervous. Now her nerves had turned to worry and she wanted to comfort Alex.

"Alex. Talk to me. I've never seen you like this, this isn't you" Olivia said, trying to think about how to word what she wanted to say. Funny, Olivia always knew how to talk to victims, yet she was unsure of how to talk to Alex. Alex wasn't a victim though. It seemed that Olivia's words weren't the right ones because she bit out, harshly

"You don't know me Detective"

And she was back. Well, at least she sounded more like the hard faced ADA they all knew. The use of Olivia's professional title returned, 'Liv' no longer falling from her lips.

"No, I don't" Olivia countered honestly "But I'd like to"

Alex sighed and leant back into the couch, closing her eyes as she took a deep breath "Sorry" she apologised.

Olivia recalls the angry words she through at the squad a few days earlier _"I am not out of line and I don't work for you. You work for me, at my discretion. Your sole purpose in this process is to bring me a case I can prosecute, not one I have to fix!"_

Those words didn't hurt. Olivia knew that Alex was just frustrated, that she was angry. She knew Alex hadn't been sleeping, but she wanted to know why. Why this case?

"Alex" Olivia said gently, hoping that the blonde would look at her for just a moment "You have nothing to be sorry for"

Alex nodded "I could have cost you your job"

"But you didn't" Olivia countered "You did something wrong, you made a mistake and you've been punished, don't punish yourself more"

"Why not?" Alex answered dejectedly "I thought getting Sam justice would help assuage the guilt, but Liz was right, nothing ever will"

Olivia understood and agreed. But she hated that Alex had to found out the hard way. She had thought that the blonde, while being a great advocate for justice was just out to further her reputation and that she only worried about her win/loss ratio. But she had seen something else in Alex these past few weeks. She had seen emotion, and heart and she wanted to see more. She just wished that it could be in better circumstances.

Alex stood and excused herself to the bathroom. Olivia took this moment to look around the living room, albeit from her space on the couch. She didn't want to be caught nosing at the blonde's life.

Yet Alex's life wasn't in the apartment. There were no family photos, no keepsakes that Olivia could see. It was a fairly plain apartment, and not at all like Olivia was expecting. The living room showed that Alex's wasn't poor; you could tell she had money. The interior was simple yet classy and Olivia could sense that it was merely a place to crash than a home. Much like her own apartment, although she did have a few photos. Mainly of the detectives at the one-six and her mother, but she had photos. Alex had none on display.

Olivia felt it more now. Alex is a mystery and for some reason, it unnerves Olivia, with worry and concern because she had suspected something was not quite right, now she was certain that there was more to the blonde than anyone knew.

**Let me know what you think about this, please and thank you :) **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for your reviews, favourites and follows. I am sorry it took this long to update, I just couldn't get this chapter to go the way I wanted. I hope that what I've come up with is okay. I don't want to drag this story on and on, and I am not very good at writing about the crimes and cases, this is a personal life story...and while I may refer to cases in passing, they won't play a big roll. **

Chapter 2:

Alex emerged from the bathroom and sheepishly looked at the ground as Olivia gave her a concerned look. She didn't want to make the blonde uncomfortable but she wanted to be there for the obviously upset woman.

"Alex" she said gently "Some things happen that we carry with us for the rest of our lives. This will be one of those things, but something about this case hit you in a way I've never seen before, what was it?"

Alex shrugs as she sits down next the brunette haired detective "That poor kid Olivia. He's never going to be the same again. I pushed him so hard and I thought that if I got justice, then it would make it better but it hasn't, it never did, not then not now"

"What do you mean Alex?" Olivia asked. Alex raised a brow and Olivia clarified "You said it never made it better then, when Alex?"

Alex gave a slight gasp, enough to which Olivia noticed before she shook her head "I meant it never does, every case"

Olivia knew that Alex had almost let something slip and she wished the blonde would. Since she had arrived at the apartment, she had this strange feeling that Alex was harbouring dark secrets from her past and she worried about the blonde's state of mind. She didn't think that Alex would ever do something irrational with regards to her safety and health but she couldn't help but notice how tired the blonde looked, and not just physically either.

When Alex had first stepped foot into the squad room, Olivia expected to dislike her. Abbie Carmichael had been a close friend, and still was in actual fact. Olivia knew the brunette ADA had a heart, she'd seen it and felt it and they'd become friends within days of meeting. Olivia had heard about Alexandra Cabot, daughter of Alexander, a famous hot shot lawyer with a tendency to flaunt his money. She hadn't expected the woman to be cold, although she had expected her to be set on making a name for herself. Yet they had become friends, reluctantly on the blonde's part but friends none the less and she cared about the woman, she couldn't explain why, she just did.

Olivia shook her head "You're hiding something from me Alex, and while I don't like it and I'm worried about you, I will never push you to talk, no one deserves that"

Alex paled as she hung her head "Like Sam didn't deserve it"

Olivia sighed "That's not what I meant Alex"

Alex shrugs, almost mumbling "It's true though"

Olivia doesn't respond, instead she picks up the DVD she had brought and puts it into the player, before settling back on the couch "I thought you might like this film"

Alex gives Olivia a small smile as she picks up the DVD box. She reads the title 'Marley and Me' and gives a light chuckle. Olivia is relieved to see Alex laugh, but its short lived as Alex's sighs and leans back against the couch.

They sit in silence, watching the film. In fact, neither of them are actually watching it. Alex is fighting tears and she's not even looking at the screen, her thoughts are obviously racing around in her head, and Olivia, Olivia is steeling glances, feeling her heart break at the vulnerable woman.

"Alex?"

Alex looks up "Uh?" she grunts out and then shakes her head "I'm fine. It's the film, it always makes me cry"

Olivia nods, not believing that for one second as they haven't even reached the saddest parts of the film.

Again, they descend into silence, continuing in much the same way. It isn't until the film finishes and Olivia has returned the disk to its case that she notices Alex is trembling, her tears in full force, as she cries, silently.

Olivia takes the blonde's hand in her own, and runs her thumb lightly over the knuckles "I'm here when you want to talk Alex, you can talk to me"

"I'm not a victim Olivia" the blonde whispers

Olivia doesn't respond, she has a funny feeling that once upon a time, that is exactly what the blonde was.

* * *

Olivia was reluctant to leave the blonde, she hated that it was only Wednesday and had to go to work tomorrow. She worried about Alex being at home alone, especially as Olivia had seen a completely different side of the blonde recently and expected she was heading for some kind of breakdown. She'd seen it before with victims, with already vulnerable people.

After a restless sleep in which Olivia found herself awake worrying, and thinking about Alex, she headed into work.

Elliot was already sat at his desk, and Olivia was thankful that the moment she walked through the doors, the captain announced they'd caught a case. Olivia was still thinking about Alex though and she knew that Elliot was a little pissed at her actions. He hadn't seen it the way Olivia had and she didn't want to explain her ideas on Alex's actions with him.

Olivia thought back to the previous evening, when she had noticed that Alex didn't have any family photos on display. Olivia herself wasn't blessed with a family. The product of her Mother's rape, Olivia had been brought up believing she was the reason for her Mother drinking, now knowing that she just reminded her of that terrible night she had come to terms with the fact. Her family was now the detectives at the 16th precinct.

However Alex had family, Olivia knew that much. Her Father was well known, his death years previous was the height of media attention yet Alex had no photos of him that she could see. She knew Alex's Mother was still alive but the blonde had never spoken of her, and Olivia wondered if their relationship had been one that wasn't the best. Olivia had tried to look into Alex's past on numerous occasions but she had kept getting stonewalled, security blocked every turn and in the end she decided that Alex's family had been rich enough to keep secrets from being unravelled. However, she now believed those secrets to be the key to who Alexandra Cabot was.

"You're thinking awfully hard Liv and I don't think it's the case" Elliot observed as he watched Olivia's face contort into a foray of emotions

Olivia didn't respond, she wasn't sure how and she was thankful that Elliot hadn't pushed, that may be because they had just arrived at the crime scene, and she knew that it wouldn't be the last she heard about it.

Olivia and Elliot were busy all morning, going through evidence, talking to Melinda Warner, the medical examiner they often worked with and trying to piece together the puzzle in the latest case.

It wasn't until they were able to make a late lunch stop that Elliot brought up the subject from earlier

"So, what were you thinking so terribly hard about in the car earlier?" the male detective asked as he sat opposite Olivia in a small café near the precinct

"Alex" Olivia told him but didn't continue further

Elliot furrowed his brows as he looked intently at his partner "What about her?"

"I was just wondering what she was doing, she's as dedicated to the job as I am. ""

"Okay" Elliot said, showing he wasn't buying Olivia's explanation

Olivia didn't want to have this conversation, in fact, for the first time in a while she was actually hoping that she could get off earlier and go over to the blonde's. Elliot excused himself to the restroom and Olivia decided to call Alex.

She waited and then the unusually quiet voice of the ADA came through the ear piece "Liv?"

"Hey Alex, I was wondering, if you fancied coming to mine later for Dinner?"

"I don't really fancy going out Liv" Alex says but Olivia can hear that Alex isn't home as a male voice asks "Another glass for you Ma'am?"

"Yes please" Alex answers and Olivia sighs

"Alex, isn't it a bit early to be drinking?" she says quietly

"What else is there to do? I don't have a job, I've got no friends, I might as well just get shit faced for a few hours" Alex says, her voice quivering with bottled up emotions.

"Alex, I'm your friend"

"Suppose" the blonde mumbles out

"Where are you Alex?"

"DiMaggio's" Alex says "I'll take the bottle please""

Olivia notices Elliot returning from the restroom and makes a decision "Alex, I'll be there in 15 minutes, and for Christ sakes girl, slow down"

She disconnects the call "I need you to cover me El and give me a lift to DiMaggio's"

Elliot raises a brow "What's going on Liv?"

"A friend needs me"

"Is this friend Alex?" Elliot asks

Olivia nods before getting into the passenger side of the maroon car and buckling her seatbelt.

* * *

Asking Elliot to drop her in the street next to where DiMaggio's is situated, mainly because she doesn't want him to see how rough the blonde looks but partly because she doesn't want Alex seeing him either, Olivia climbs from the car, thanking him again. She knows that she shouldn't be doing this, and that she should be working, but its Alex and she cares deeply for the woman.

As she walks into the building, she sees Alex leant against the bar, perched on a stall, in jeans and a plain black tee. The blonde has a half empty bottle of wine in front of her and her hand is shakily holding a glass in which she brings to her lips.

Olivia sighs as she makes her way over to the blonde, placing a hand on her arm and taking the glass from her hand "Come on Alex, let me take you home"

Alex nods bleakly, before throwing her arms around Olivia and sobbing into her shoulder. Olivia is taken back by the outpour of emotion and the comfort she obviously seeks. The night Sam Cavanaugh attempted suicide, Alex had been a wreck, but she was reluctant to seek contact with the brunette and Olivia had held onto her, to prevent her from falling. Now Alex was sobbing into her shoulder, her arms wrapped around the female detective who was rubbing soothing circles along her back.

Olivia pulled Alex from her and gently led her outside, she was grateful to a passing member of the public who hailed a cab, obviously aware that Alex was unsteady and obliviously in need of support. As she settled the blonde into the cab and gave the driver her address, she sighed and let Alex lean against her, still crying, but less so than originally.

She was now very concerned about the blonde, and hoped that somehow Alex could find the strength to open up to her. There was something that had happened in Alex's past that caused this case to affect her and for the first time, Olivia saw Alex Cabot…not ADA Alexandra Cabot, not the 'Ice Queen' but Alex.

**Leave me your thoughts. Next Chapter, Olivia attempts to get Alex to open up. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I apologise for the delay. I don't know where the time is going, never seems to be enough hours in a day. **

**Thank you all for your reviews. I know that we haven't reached the exciting part of the story yet, and we're still at the early stages of Alex and Olivia's friendship as well as delving into Alex's past but your words still encourage me and I thank you all for your support. **

Chapter 3:

Olivia hadn't known Alex to be a drinker, the blonde would join them to celebrate after a case, although only when she was invited by Olivia, and on them occasions she would have 1 or 2 glasses of wine before calling it a night. Olivia didn't think that Alex went out much either, she seemed to work just as late as the detective and Olivia knew sometimes Alex didn't even make it home.

Naturally, Olivia was worried, but she had seen the effects of alcohol from living with her Mother, and while she didn't think Alex was an alcoholic, she was still concerned that the blonde had been intent of getting drunk.

"Alex" Olivia said gently rousing the blonde a few hours later. Alex had fallen asleep on the couch and Olivia decided that Alex needed the rest; she definitely hadn't been sleeping well.

"Get off me" Alex said shoving the brunette from her shoulder, her eyes still closed

Olivia was taken aback by the blonde's response and began to worry that Alex had seen her as interfering, but when Alex cried out "Please, don't…I'll do anything. Please don't hurt me" Olivia realised the blonde was having a nightmare. The whimpering sounds she was making sounded like a wounded puppy and it broke Olivia's heart to hear such a sound coming from the composed and confident woman that she had witnessed.

"Alex" she said gently "Wake up, it's only a nightmare honey"

Olivia's words didn't seem to have an effect on the blonde as she began to thrash, and Olivia was even more concerned and shocked to see tears escape the blonde's tightly closed eyes "No, please. Stop. Stop, please"

"Alex!" Olivia said loudly and firmly, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder "You have to wake up!"

Alex bolted upright, heaving and trembling as she opened her eyes before she began looking frightfully around the room. Her gaze flitted back on forth, a panicked expression on her face. Tears still glistened in her eyes and her skin was dripping with perspiration. Suddenly she locked eyes with Olivia "Liv?"

Olivia gave a hesitant smile "Hey"

Alex gasped and jumped from the couch, grabbing the arm to steady herself as she became dizzy. She flopped back on the couch, closing her eyes and putting a hand to her forehead.

Olivia passed her a glass of water and two Tylenol, feeling for the obviously embarrassed woman "You might want these"

Alex furrowed her brows "Why am I here?"

Olivia was concerned that Alex didn't remember the events a few hours previous but gathered it was due to the large amount of alcohol consumed in what seemed to be a relatively short amount of time "You called me, you were at DiMaggio's, getting…and I quote…shitfaced"

Alex groans "Sorry"

Olivia gives the blonde a sad smile "You don't need to apologise Alex"

The blonde doesn't respond, instead she takes the pills Olivia had given, washing them down with a couple of mouthfuls of water before grimacing "I should go"

Olivia shakes her head "No, Alex, I want you to stay with me for a few days"

"I can't. I shouldn't have called you. I…you should be at work" Alex hurries out the words as she goes to stand again

Olivia reaches out and takes Alex's hand, causing the blonde to flinch and go to pull away "Alex, it's just me"

"I know" Alex almost whispers and Olivia can hear the tremor in the blonde's voice

"Alex, please talk to me. I know something happened to you, I don't know when, but something about Sam's case has got to you, and judging by that nightmare…" Olivia begins, pulling Alex back down

"It was nothing Liv, just a nightmare. Nothing happened to me"

Olivia sighs, knowing that it won't be easy to break the blonde's barriers, more than likely put up as protection but she hopes that Alex trusts her enough to let them down a little "Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

Alex stands up once again and this time Olivia lets her "I don't have to stay here"

Olivia nods as she stands and heads over to the door where the blonde is pacing "You're right, you don't have to stay. Go then"

Alex sits back down, defeat evident on her face "No. I just don't want to talk about it Olivia"

"I know you don't. But it's eating you up inside, Alex and I really think if you talk to me, it'll help"

"How will telling you help? You can't do anything about it…it happened a long time ago" Alex bites out harshly, although Olivia knows it isn't intended to hurt

Olivia doesn't want to upset the blonde, or force her to talk, but she is relieved that Alex has admitted something happened. She walks back to the couch and sits beside the blonde "Okay. Alex, you don't have to tell me. But I'm here if and when you want to, and if you need me, you can call, text, or come over"

"Thanks" Alex murmurs, sighing in relief "I should really go Olivia, you need to get back to work"

Olivia knows that Alex is right, but she rang the captain and explained that something personal had come up and she'd be taking a couple of days, she just didn't feel right leaving Alex "I'm not needed; I've cleared it with Cragen. I have some vacation time, and I've decided to take a couple of days at least"

"Is it because of me? Olivia, you don't need to do that. I'm fine, I promise"

"I didn't just do it for you; I did it for myself because I haven't had a day off in a long time. You're not fine either Alex, so don't even play that one with me"

Alex shrugs and leans back against the couch "So, what are we going to do?"

"I thought we could get take out, and just talk"

Alex shook her head "I'm not really hungry"

"Well I am" Olivia said with a smile "And you're going to eat something, because you're wasting away"

"Olivia" Alex says with a hint of annoyance "I said I wasn't hungry…"

Olivia nods, deciding that she needs to be gentle with Alex, she needs to treat her like she would a victim, but at the same time, a friend. After ordering 2 pizza's, because Olivia hopes Alex will at least try some, and knowing that if she doesn't, it can be warmed and eaten the following day, the brunette finds Alex staring out of the window, tears on her cheeks.

"Alex?"

Alex wipes her eyes, sniffling as she does so and then turns around, plastering a smile on her lips that is obviously fake "So, what now?"

"Now, you let me take care of you as a friend would. Would you like to take a shower?"

Alex furrows her brows "What?"

"You're crying Alex. Go take a shower, relax, wash away the worries of the day and then come and join me" Olivia says with a smile

"I couldn't…" Alex begins to decline the offer

"Yes. I'll find some sweats out, they might be a little baggy but they should be okay. Just freshen up"

Alex relents, nodding her head solemnly before heading into the bathroom. Olivia finds a pair of sweat pants and a long sleeve shirt and knocks gingerly on the bathroom door "Alex, I'll leave the clothes on the chair in the bedroom"

"Okay" Alex replies before Olivia hears the spray of the shower.

20 minutes later, Alex emerges and as she does so the pizza arrives. Olivia is relieved to see that Alex looks a lot more like her normal self, the bags under her eyes aren't as prominent and her hair, while still wet, looks much better than it did a short time ago. Olivia can't help but notice how incredibly hot the blonde looks in sweat pants, and the tight t-shirt and has to force the thought from her mind.

She offers Alex some pizza, relieved when the blonde takes a slice. "Do you feel any better?" Olivia asks with concern

"A little" Alex replies "I'll wash these and drop them back later in the week"

"Alex, I really would feel better if you stayed here, for tonight at least. I don't think you should be on your own"

"I'm not a child! I can look after myself"

"I know you can, but the problem is that you aren't" Olivia says, turning to look at the blonde "You're keeping everything to yourself and it's not doing you any good"

"I'm fine"

"No Alex, you're not" Olivia says, pointing to the pizza untouched on the blonde's plate "Eat"

"I don't want to"

Olivia sighs as she leans back on the couch

Alex is relieved that Olivia isn't pushing anymore, but she feels bad that she's being so rude to the brunette detective and knows that Olivia is just trying to help, to be a friend "Liv"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry" Alex almost whispers

"What do you have to be sorry for Alex?" Olivia asks furrowing her brows as she turns to face Alex

"I'm pushing you away and you're only trying to help. I just, it's been a long time since I've spoken about it. Sam's situation, it just brought back a lot of memories I'd suppressed"

Olivia gives the blonde a sad smile "Alex, I'm worried about you. You're one of my best friends, and I hate seeing you hurting like this. I want to help, but I don't want to force you into talking. Just let me be here and when you're ready, I'll listen"

"Thanks" Alex murmurs

"That's what friends are for Alex. Now, eat some pizza, please"

Alex complies only because she knows Olivia is worried and won't relent until she eats something. She manages a slice and a half and is relieved when Olivia doesn't question or force her to eat more.

Once they finish eating, Olivia finds some sitcom to watch and the two of them sit in a comfortable silence. Olivia would like a glass of wine, but she knows that it isn't what Alex needs right now.

**Let me know what you think, as always it really does make me smile :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. Thank you to the guest reviewer, I wasn't too sure what some of your review meant but what I did catch I thank you for. Alex has always been one of my favourite characters, and I adore Stephanie March, so that's a bonus. I hope you get some answers in this chapter. **

**IBME and Bkwrmchar: Thank you both for your kind reviews, your support means a lot to me. **

**It took me all day to get this chapter right, I didn't want to disappoint but I wanted it to be natural and feel the way it's meant to. Hope you enjoy. **

Chapter 4:

The two women had sat comfortably, occasionally making small talk about nothing in particular and it was only now that Olivia was aware of the silence and even breathing coming from beside her. Turning her head, she suppressed a giggle at the blonde, head against the arm of the couch, mouth slightly ajar, and eyes closed.

"Alex?"

The blonde jumped, opening her eyes "Uh?"

Olivia couldn't hold in her laughter, and let out a carefree giggle at the blonde's lack of eloquence. "You're falling asleep"

"Sorry" Alex said sheepishly, allowing a small smile to form on her lips

"It's okay. It's getting late anyway, you need to rest. I'll go get you some pyjamas"

"You really don't mind me staying?" Alex asks, letting out a yawn as she speaks

Olivia stands, and gives the blonde a wide smile "Not at all"

Alex nods, resting her head back on the arm of the couch as Olivia leaves the room to gather something for the blonde to sleep in.

When she returns, Alex is obviously nervous and uncertain "Alex? Don't be nervous, if you wake and you need to talk, or you have a nightmare, then come out here and get me"

"You're not sleeping on the couch" Alex says

Olivia laughs, noting the tone of voice Alex is using; it reminds her of the ADA in court "Yeah, I am. You need to sleep; I'm used to going days without and sleeping in the crib often"

Alex concedes, mainly because she's just too tired to argue and also because there is something about Olivia that she just can't say no to.

Olivia hands Alex the pyjamas and waves her hand in the direction of her bedroom. Alex nods as a gesture of thanks, taking the garments and retreating to the room.

* * *

When Olivia awakes the next morning, she is a little taken aback to see Alex sitting on the couch, with Olivia's feet across her lap.

"Morning" Alex says with a hesitant smile

Olivia's mind refuses to co-operate with her voice, although in hindsight she would probably sound rude or accusing, and perhaps both, so instead no words escape.

Alex sighs and decides to explain "I had a nightmare, it wasn't as bad as the last one but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to wake you, you looked shattered so I sat here, I just needed reminding I'm not alone"

The vulnerability in Alex's voice is evident with its shakiness and Olivia feels for the woman, manoeuvring herself; she sits up, offering her arms to the blonde who hesitantly settles into the embrace.

"You're never alone Alex" Olivia whispers

Alex doesn't respond, her body relaxing at Olivia words and the arms that give her comfort.

After a few minutes, Alex takes a breath "It was my Father's co-worker. I was 8. He was over a lot, always working on something with my Dad. I was asleep and when I woke up…"

Olivia doesn't want to break Alex's moment of confidence; instead she takes the blonde's hand giving it a gentle squeeze.

"He was touching me through my pyjamas. I told him to stop. He touched me all the time. Two weeks before I turned ten, he raped me. He raped me Olivia; he raped me over and over"

Alex began to cry, heavy sobs escaped as her body began to shake

"Shh. It's okay Alex" Olivia soothed

Alex wiped her eyes and attempted to steady her breathing "We moved to New York just after I turned ten. I tried to tell my Mom, but she was never home, she was always too busy to listen"

Olivia kept holding the blonde against her, soothingly rubbing circles along her upper arm

"When I started my period at 13, I was just like every other teenage girl. Embarrassed and scared, but then one day, two weeks before my 14th birthday, exactly four years after he'd first raped me I was at home and Jack appeared"

Olivia had to clarify who Jack was "Your Dad's co worker?"

Alex nodded, as her eyes began to water, she brushed the tears away "He raped me again. He raped me every year until the day before I was seventeen. He raped me for the last time because I wasn't a child anymore"

"Oh Alex" Olivia whispered, she hadn't expected for Alex's story to be so awful. Of course, abuse of any kind was wrong; she just hadn't expected her to have been through so much. Until Sam's case, Alex had seemed well put together, confident, and not as if she had suffered years and years of abuse.

"I waited an entire year until I was sure he wouldn't do it again. When I asked my Dad about where he was, he said he hadn't heard from him in months. I broke down and told him everything"

Alex took a long sigh before her shoulders slumped and she let out a gut wrenching cry. Olivia continued to hold her, gently whispering comforting words, or words she hoped were comforting.

She thought Alex had fallen asleep and was about to move when the blonde almost whispered "Don't leave me Liv"

"I thought you were asleep" Olivia explained and felt the blonde shake her head

"I was just thinking, that's all"

"Alex, what happened after? You told your Dad…" Olivia prompted, hoping that Alex wasn't done talking.

"He acted as if I hadn't told him anything. I think deep down he knew all along…he was a coward Olivia. He left us shortly after"

"Did you tell your Mom? What happened to Jack?"

Alex was on the verge of tears again and Olivia didn't want to upset her further. There would be opportunities to talk, to discuss what happened.

"It's okay Alex. You don't have to talk anymore…are you hungry, shall we get brunch?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders, her posture defeated, the ice queen gone from her and in its place, vulnerability and fear.

"I'm not hungry, and I don't really fancy going out" she murmured

Olivia nodded "Well, I can cook instead. But Alex, I want you to eat something. Please…I know you're in a rough place but you still need to eat, just a little"

Alex knew there was no point in arguing, but she just didn't want to eat. She nodded, hoping that Olivia would be happy with her consuming a few bites or mouthfuls of whatever it was they were going to have.

"I can do a grilled cheese sandwich" Olivia said and smiled when Alex nodded, although it was tentative and lacklustre.

Alex sat on the couch, in her own world while Olivia called brunch. It was nearing 10.15am, but Olivia was starving. She knew that Alex didn't want to eat and she gathered that there was a reason to this, she didn't want to push, and she knew that it wouldn't do any good but she wanted the blonde to know she was there for her.

"Alex?" she said gently, startling the woman from her thoughts "Sorry, brunch is ready"

Alex swallowed, an action noted by the brunette who sat beside her, handing her the plate.

"I don't know how much I can eat Liv" she said in a whisper

"Eat what you can, as long as it's something" Olivia said gently and Alex nodded.

Olivia decided that while they were eating, she'd put on a comedy, something light so that Alex was distracted, and hopefully she'd forget about food and whatever he problems with it were.

It worked reasonably well. Alex ate half the sandwich, hesitantly putting the plate onto the coffee table, and turning her head away from Olivia

"You did fine Alex, I'm not going to force feed you. I just don't want you getting sick"

Alex nodded. She really knew she should be going home, she needed clean clothes and her own bed, but she didn't want to upset the brunette who was obviously taking good care of her and being a friend

"Liv"

"Yeah?"

"I should go home, I haven't got any clothes here and I…I really would like to sleep in my own bed tonight"

Olivia nodded, knowing that Alex letting her walls down like she had today would have this effect "Do you want me to drive you?"

Alex shook her head "I'd rather walk if it's okay with you. No offense, I would like the fresh air is all"

Olivia gave a sad smile "None taken. You'll let me know when you get home"

"I will"

* * *

Alex sat on her couch, legs drawn against her chest as tears rolled along her cheeks. Today had been tough, and while her heart felt a little less heavy after getting it out she was angry and annoyed at herself for letting it affect her. The similarities between Alex's past and the Sam Cavanaugh case were not all that prominent, in fact, it wasn't so much the case and Sam's abuse that had gotten to Alex; it was the after effects and Sam's suicide.

The scars littering her thighs were proof and reminders of that time, and she still hadn't dealt with her issues about eating. When Jack had raped her, he'd continuously tell her she was ugly, he'd pinch her thighs and laugh when she cried, she had just given up eating, but his words never stopped, no matter how thin she had gotten.

Now she was alone, she realised how much Olivia had helped, she had realised how much she welcomed the brunette's friendship and caring nature.

Picking up her cell, she dialled the familiar number, and took a steady breath as she heard the dial tone

Sure enough, Olivia answered after a couple of rings "Benson"

"Liv?" Alex said almost hesitantly

"Alex, what's wrong?" she asked, and Alex gave a small smile at the brunette's obvious concern

"I don't want to be alone" she admitted, surprised that the moment of vulnerability and admittance of it hadn't seemed as embarrassing or stupid as she thought

"Alex, are you okay? You're safe right?" Olivia asked

Alex heard the movement on the other end of the line and a door close "Yeah, I'm safe" she said honestly

Olivia took a breath in relief "I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

"Thanks" Alex murmured before she hung up. The tears fell steadily, but she felt relief and a reassurance that she hadn't felt in a long time. She needed her friend, and for the first time in a long time, she wasn't afraid to admit it.

**As always, your reviews really do make me smile and your thoughts are appreciated. **


	5. Chapter 5

**It really means a lot to me to read your reviews, keep them coming. I have 26 followers, but their are only 4 reviews on the last chapter. I know that not everyone reviews, but at the same time I would like to see what more of you think.**

**Alex has been through a lot, and she's still opening up to Olivia. I'm sure that Liv can help and make Alex feel safer.**

Chapter 5:

By the time Olivia arrived, Alex was feeling embarrassed and a little guilty at calling the brunette. She hated showing weakness and in her moment of weakness she had buckled and made a fool of herself. Of course Olivia doesn't see it this way.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you" Alex said, her cheeks blushed with embarrassment as she opened the door and stepped aside

Olivia entered, giving the blonde a small smile "You obviously felt you needed to Alex. I'm pleased you did"

Alex shook her head "I still shouldn't have called you"

Olivia sighed heavily, she knew that Alex was feeling vulnerable and that she was feeling silly for calling, but Olivia could tell that the blonde needed a friend and she hoped she could be that friend "You're my friend Alex, and I'd like to think I'm yours too, so whenever you feel down or you need to talk or just need company, call me. I really don't mind"

"I just…I don't know why Sam's case has gotten to me. It's not as if it's anything like what happened to me. I just…I felt like he needed justice but I made a mistake in doing so. I pushed him so hard…and now he's going to…"

Alex slumped down onto the couch, and Olivia took the space beside her "It's not your fault Alex"

"I still feel guilty Olivia and I think I always will. I just…no-one pushed me to testify; no one cared enough to get me justice"

"He never went to trial. Jack?" Olivia questioned, a little shocked and confused as to why

Alex turned away from the brunette, hiding her face so that Olivia would see her cry yet again "Well, I told you my Dad left a few weeks after I told him. My Mom was just not really all that bothered, and it was kind of pushed under the rug"

"So what happened to Jack?"

"He died a few years ago"

"He never paid for what he did to you?" Olivia questioned sadly

Alex shook her head, tears welling in her eyes "My Dad died shortly afterwards. My Mom, we're not that close…I mean, we talk on the phone but it's been a couple of years since I actually saw her"

"Oh Alex, now I feel really bad that I laid all my shit on you about my Mom"

"No don't" Alex said quickly, forcing the tears not to fall "Your past matters too Olivia, and you are my friend and I'm always here to listen to you"

Olivia nodded and then gave Alex a smile "So, now I'm here, what shall we do?"

"I don't know" Alex says

"Do you want to stay in, or we could go out, do some shopping?"

Alex shakes her head "I don't want to go out…I…can we just watch a movie?"

Olivia nods, although a little concerned that Alex doesn't want to go out. Alex gets up from the couch, pointing at the row of movies in the rack.

"I'm just going to use to the toilet, you choose what you want"

As soon as the door closes, Alex sinks to her knees, she tries to hold in the sobs, for fear of Olivia hearing but they escape without permission.

"Alex?"

The knock on the door startles Alex but she cannot stop the tears as she replies "I'll…be out in...a...a minute"

"I'm coming in okay? It's just me"

"No. Don't…please I'm…don't come in" Alex sobs

"Okay, okay, I won't. I just need to know your safe Alex…"

Alex doesn't respond, as her breathing becomes shallower, her body trembling with the force of emotion

"Alex?"

"I'm….fine" Alex rasps, on the verge of panic

The door opens and Olivia drops to her knees beside the quivering blonde, placing an arm tentatively on her shoulder. Alex screams, and then gasps, wide eyed at Olivia.

"Hey it's just me. Take it easy. Come on Alex, breathe with me okay. In…and out…that's it, take a deep breath"

Alex copies the brunette and after a few minutes, her breathing returns to normal, although she's still shaking a little. Olivia is concerned that Alex had a panic attack as serious as this one, and was concerned that she had pushed a little too hard

"You're okay, that's it. Just keep breathing"

"Sorry" Alex chokes out

"Lexi, you don't need to apologise"

"Don't call me that!" Alex screeches, quickly scrambling away from the brunette

Olivia realises that this must have been what her abuser called her, and she berates herself mentally for not thinking "Alex, It's just me. I won't call you that again, I'm sorry"

"I know" Alex whispers "It's just…"

They sit on the floor for about 5 minutes, Alex steadily breathing, her eyes closed. Olivia is watching concernedly, hoping that Alex isn't thinking about things, she doesn't want the blonde to get upset even more.

"Sorry" Alex apologies again, looking up at the brunette

"It's okay. Come on, let's get you up from here" Olivia says, offering the blonde her hand

They exit the bathroom and Olivia leads Alex over to the couch, pulling the blonde into her arms, glad that the contact was welcomed.

After a few minutes Alex pulls away "I really do need the toilet though" she says giggling

Olivia raises a brow "Did you just giggle?"

Alex nods, before shifting from the couch.

Olivia smiles, glad that Alex has relaxed and thinking how cute the blonde sounds when she giggles like that. Shaking her head, Olivia realises that thinking of Alex in that manner is not what the blonde needs. She needs a friend and after all she's been through, a relationship is probably the furthest thing from her mind right now.

* * *

"Oh my god Liv, I can't believe you did that!" Alex exclaims

After watching a couple of movies, Olivia had told Alex about her time at Siena. It was no secret that Olivia preferred women, although she didn't flaunt it or make it a big deal; it was just a part of who she was.

"She was really starting to piss me off" Olivia explained candidly "I just gave her a little of what she deserved"

"Olivia Benson, who in the world are you?"

Alex started to laugh as she conjured up and image of Olivia hiding the poor girls' clothes while she was in the shower.

"I'm innocent. It was one time, but god did it feel good"

Alex shook her head "You are bad Benson"

"You went to Harvard right? Any stories you can tell me?"

Alex shook her head "I didn't really have any friends Olivia, except perhaps Abbie"

"Carmichael?" Olivia asks raising a brow

"Yeah, you know her right? I heard she was the ADA on a few cases at SVU"

Olivia nodded "Yeah but we went to high school together; I've known her for years"

"Wow"

"So you two were friends?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders "Kind of, I mean, we spoke to each other a bit and hung out sometimes but we didn't really talk"

Olivia nodded in understanding "I should give her a call, would you like to see her again?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders again "We kind of parted on rough terms"

Olivia raised a brow "What happened?"

"She tried to kiss me" Alex whispered "She said she thought I was gay because I hadn't dated anyone"

"Abbie's a bit forward, that's for sure"

Alex nodded "I just stopped talking to her, I avoided her constantly. I was just scared"

"That's understandable"

"Let's not talk about me, please" Alex said quietly and Olivia could tell that Alex was withdrawing again.

Olivia nodded, with a gentle sigh and offered Alex her hand which the blonde hesitantly took. Olivia gave it a squeeze before asking quietly "Shall I order take out?"

Alex tensed visibly and pulled her hand from the brunette's "I'm not…"

"Hungry, I know…" Olivia said "You're never hungry Alex, you need to eat"

"I…okay"

Olivia is relieved that Alex has conceded, at least for now. She knows that Alex has an eating disorder, she's no stranger to anorexia and all the signs are there. "How about I pop to the Walmart and get a few things to cook with, something healthy?"

Alex nods and gives Olivia a small smile "Thanks"

"You'll be okay?"

"Yeah" Alex says quietly, although unconvincingly

Olivia is reluctant to leave Alex, but she hopes the blonde will call if she needs to "I've got my cell. Call me if you need me to come back"

"I'll be okay"

"How about you come with me?" Olivia suggests "Then you can choose what you fancy"

"I'll be okay"

"I really would feel better if you weren't alone Alex…"

"I'm not going to do anything silly Olivia…I…" Alex says sharply

"I know. I trust you Alex, I just…you're struggling, and I don't think you should be alone with your thoughts"

"Okay" Alex says quietly as she stands up and grabs her jacket, annoyance evident in her posture

"Alex? I didn't mean to upset you, don't be angry with me, please"

"I'm not" Alex says, stopping and turning to face Olivia "I'm angry at myself"

Olivia furrows her brows "Why?" she asks gently

"It doesn't matter"

Olivia wants the blonde to open up to her more, she hates that she's closing herself off, and wishes she could let herself be vulnerable. There is obviously a lot more to her story, and Olivia wants to be able to help.

"It obviously does Alex. Come on, talk to me"

"I'm fine"

"No, you're not. Alex, I want to be here for you, please don't push me away. I understand that it's hard to talk about, that there are things that you probably have never spoken about. But when you don't want to talk, tell me, don't push me away"

"I don't mean to. I've just, there never was anyone that wanted to listen"

"I want to Alex, it hurts me that you've been through so much, but I want you to open to me, because it will make you feel better. I want to help you. I care about you" Olivia says honestly

"Thank you" Alex whispers, her eyes filling with tears and spilling along her cheeks

"Come on" Olivia says, wiping the tears with her thumbs "I have a few ideas on what I want to cook, of course, if they're okay with you"

**Please let me know what you think...**


	6. Chapter 6

**I apologise for not updating sooner. I'm off work for half term this week so hopefully I can update more often. **

**Thank you for your support so far with this story. I'm not too sure where this is going to go, I am thinking maybe another few chapters, but not sure at the moment. This chapter isn't my best but I hope it suffices until my muse returns. **

Chapter 6:

Olivia cooked rice and chicken, nothing overly exciting but it was healthy enough that Alex managed a small portion. Olivia didn't want to push Alex, knowing that if she did, the blonde may withdraw and close herself off again.

The rest of the evening was spent discussing politics, not that Olivia found politics to be interesting but she was glad that Alex was relaxed enough and seemed to enjoy the discussions. Olivia tried to input her own opinions and found that she shared some of the same views as Alex. She also found that listening to Alex discuss something with a passion created a fire inside her belly that grew as the evening progressed.

It was almost 9pm when Alex started to withdraw and Olivia could sense the blonde was growing uncomfortable

"Alex, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" Alex said quickly, causing Olivia to raise an unbelieving brow "Really, I'm fine"

Olivia nodded, although she knew the blonde wasn't being truthful. Alex sighed, turning to face the brunette.

"I was thinking. Can you stay tonight? Sorry" Alex asks, the question coming out as a whisper

Olivia rests her hand on the embarrassed woman's thigh, giving it a squeeze "Of course. Alex, never apologise for needing a friend. I said to ask for anything you need"

"I have nightmares…I…"

Olivia nodded, removing her hand from Alex's thigh and placing it on her shoulder "I know. Its fine Alex. If you have a nightmare then I'll be here, it doesn't scare me away Alex, I deal with this a lot remember"

"I'm not one of your victims" Alex bites out, shrugging Olivia's hand from her shoulder

"No, you're one of my friends" Olivia replies "And as one of my friends, I care and I want to help. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was just…it's not all my job Alex"

"I know, Liv. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'll sleep on the couch. It's comfortable enough…you can have the bed"

"No Alex, I can sleep on the couch. It's comfortable so it'll be fine for me, better than those beds in the crib and as for snapping, I should be the one apologising"

"I'll get you a blanket and some pillows" Alex says heading to the closet and finding the items

* * *

Sleep came easily for both women; however it was disturbed when Olivia awoke to loud screams. She knew that it was Alex having a nightmare and her heart broke for the woman.

"No, No, please, please don't. Not again, please" Alex cried, thrashing wildly, kicking her legs but her upper half rigid as if she was being held down.

"Alex, honey. It's okay, you're having a nightmare" Olivia says soothingly

Alex continues to thrash before bolting upright and gasping "He was holding me down, and I screamed…but I never screamed, why didn't I scream?

"Take a deep breath Alex"

"I'm sorry" the blonde gasps, tears sliding down her cheeks

"Hey, it's okay. Can you get back to sleep, it's about 4am?" Olivia asks

Alex grabs the brunette's hand "Stay with me, please"

Olivia nods, reluctantly and climbs onto the bed, laying on top of the covers

"Olivia, you can't be comfortable. Get under the covers"

"You sure?"

Alex nods "Can you hold me?"

Olivia doesn't know if she should but she knows that victims (and although it feels weird calling Alex a victim) like to be safe and they like control and decides that if this makes Alex feel better then that's what she'll do

Settling herself under the covers, she opens her arms, and the blonde cuddles closer to her. Olivia wraps her arms tentatively around Alex, trying to push the thoughts in her mind away. The feeling of the blonde against her is warm and gentle and it feels natural but her body is responding and she knows she needs to keep it in check.

"You're really soft" Alex whispers and Olivia finds herself smiling

"I'm glad you think so"

"Thank you for this, Liv"

"Oh, it's nothing. That's what I'm here for" Olivia says quietly

Alex looks up at the detective "Night Olivia"

"Night" Olivia whispers placing a kiss to the blonde's head

* * *

Alex is a little shocked to find herself wrapped in Olivia's arms when she awakes but the events of the previous night come back to her as she scrambles away from the brunette.

"Alex?" Olivia murmurs "Come back"

Alex raises a brow and chuckles when she realises that Olivia is still asleep. The brunette reaches out for her, and frowns before opening her eyes.

Alex gives the brunette a strange look before exiting the bed. Seeing Olivia's confusion she giggles, causing Olivia to think again how much she loves that sound.

"You're cute when you're half asleep" Alex says, before blushing at her words

Olivia smiles "You sleep well?"

"Yeah" Alex murmurs "Thanks for that"

Olivia nods "Like I said, it's what I'm here for"

"I'm gonna take a shower Olivia, and uh, then you can"

"Okay" Olivia says with a smile "I'll start breakfast, is that okay?"

Alex nods "Yeah"

While Alex is in the shower, Olivia sets out making a fruit platter with some natural yoghurt, and a few croissants, hoping to tempt the blonde. She is relieved that Alex didn't have her usual answer of 'I'm not hungry' and hopes that this is a good sign.

When Alex exits, she smiles at the effort Olivia has gone to "This looks yummy"

Olivia silently appraises herself for a job well done before heading to take her own shower.

She watches quickly, and effectively, and dries and dresses herself before returning to the kitchen. Alex has a small plate of strawberries and apple slices and half a croissant. The croissant is dry but she's eating and that's good enough for Olivia.

"Good?" the brunette asks

Alex smiles and nods "Yeah, thank you. Come and join me"

Olivia is relieved to see the blonde seems more sprightly and relaxed than she has done previously and takes this as a good thing, a sign that the blonde is feeling a little more like herself.

"So what shall we do today?" Olivia asks as she layers a croissant with butter and Jam

"Would you like to do anything in particular?" Alex answers with a question, causing Olivia to smile at the obvious tactics of a lawyer

"Um, not really, I haven't had a day off in quite a while" Olivia says with a chuckle "What is there to do that's fun round here?"

Alex shrugs "I don't know what fun is anymore Olivia, I guess we could go to the art gallery, but maybe that's not fun for you…or we could hang out at the park"

"Alex, relax. I wasn't testing you or anything. Would you like to go the art gallery?"

"I haven't been in a while" Alex muses "I used to go weekly"

"Then we'll go, we could grab lunch after and sit in the park for a bit" Olivia suggests, easing the topic of food into the conversation gently

* * *

"I've always loved Art. I always seem to be drawn to it, and I can sit and look at a piece for hours" Alex says quietly as they walk down a long corridor, stopping in front of a drawing of a women draped in a curtain.

"What do you think of this then?" Olivia asks curiously

Alex tilts her head slightly taking a step back "It's well painted. The brush strokes are light, capturing the gentleness of the woman, the painter obviously has a connection to the person she's drawing. I wonder if it's drawn from life or memory though…you can really see the beauty in her eyes"

Olivia is entranced by Alex's words, the way she speaks, so passionately, and openly. She loves it when Alex is like this, it's not a side many get to see often and Olivia revels in that knowledge.

"Liv?"

"Uh" Olivia says, snapping back into reality, blushing as she realises she's been caught daydreaming.

Alex giggles and again, it's that sound, and Olivia feels herself getting a little dizzy with her emotions, as she takes a step back to sit on the bench.

"You okay?" Alex asks with concern as she sits beside the brunette

Olivia nods her head slightly, taking a few steady breaths. She almost jumps when Alex places her hand on Olivia's thigh, the connection shooting a jolt through her body. Alex removes her hand quickly and Olivia knows she felt it too.

"Shall we keep walking?" Olivia asks standing quickly, in hopes to dampen her arousal and to stop the awkward silence that has descended.

Alex stands, shaking her head, but follows the brunette anyway. All of a sudden her interest for art has diminished and all she can focus on is Olivia.

"Liv" she says quietly "Look at me"

Olivia turns her head but refuses to look at the blonde who has stopped and shoved her hands into her jean pockets.

"Olivia, look at me, properly" she commands, using her courtroom voice

This is enough to force the brunette to raise her head, she looks hesitantly at the blonde who has a shy smile on her lips "I know you felt it too Liv"

"I…uh, I can't Alex. You're not gay, and I…you're in a rough place. I shouldn't…"

"You aren't" Alex says gently "I don't know what happened, but I felt it, and it scares me, how much I've opened up to you, I never let myself go like I have with you. It feels good, weird and scary but good. I want us to be friends, to do this more often and do things you enjoy too"

"Friends?"

Alex giggles "Yes Olivia, friends. I'm not gay but I am attracted to you. I don't want us to do anything either will regret, so friends for now. Let's just enjoy each other's company"

Olivia nods, relief flooding her body as well as some disappointment, she's mixed up with her emotions and thoughts but she knows she has to play slowly, she has to let Alex lead and she has to be content with friendship.

There are still things to learn about the blonde, and things to share about herself.

**Let me know what you think?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you to Bkwrmchar, IBME and the guest for your reviews on the last chapter. Here's the next instalment. **

Chapter 7:

After they'd finished in the gallery, Olivia and Alex took a walk through Central Park, they stayed close to each other, and talked about nothing in particular. There were bouts of silence but it was not heavy or awkward, as they walked side by side.

"Alex, Do you want me to take you home?" Olivia asked, noticing the tired eyes of the blonde beginning to droop as they sat by the lake

"Don't go" Alex murmured sleepily and Olivia smiled, and gently touched her friends cheek

"I'll get you rested and then I'll go grab some stuff from my apartment" she explained

Alex shook her head "Can we go to yours first? I don't…"

Olivia knew what Alex was trying to say, the blonde didn't want to be on her own. It made her heart break hearing the vulnerability in her voice but she didn't want to show pity. She didn't feel pity, she felt love and respect. Alex was so strong, she was sure of that, she had to be.

The drive to Olivia's was silent, as Alex fell into sleep moments after Olivia pulled from the car park by the gallery. She really didn't want to wake Alex while they gathered some things but she didn't want to blonde to wake in the car alone while she was gone.

"Alex, sweetie. I'm just going to get some things. Do you want to stay here?"

Alex whimpered a little, before squinting open an eye "Hmm?"

"I'm just going up to my apartment" Olivia explained, before jumping in shock as Alex almost shouted

"No, don't go"

Alex gripped Olivia's arm tightly and shook her head furiously. Her eyes open wide as if begging in silence

Olivia touched Alex's hand hesitantly "You want to come up with me?"

Alex loosened her grip and nodded before lowering her head "Sorry"

"It's okay. You want to talk about what's frightening you?" Olivia asked

Alex shook her head as she began to unbuckle the seat belt. Her hands trembled and she slumped in defeat when she couldn't gather enough strength to release the belt from its grip.

"Alex, you need to rest. I won't be very long, okay. You close your eyes, sleep" Olivia soothed gently, sighing in relief when Alex nodded and let her eyelids droop

Olivia didn't linger in her apartment; she gathered some clean clothes, toiletries and few books. She smiled when she noticed Alex was still asleep but her smile faltered when she noticed that Alex had tears on her cheeks.

She opened the car door and when she climbed inside, she reached over to wipe the blonde's cheek with her thumb "You're so beautiful sweetheart" she whispered before she turned the engine on and pulled away

Olivia didn't want to wake Alex, but she didn't know where Alex kept her keys and she didn't feel comfortable in searching the blonde's purse or pockets. She carried her from the car, and carefully carried her into the building

She smiled at Greg; the security guard stationed at the desk and mouthed "I didn't want to wake her". Olivia had spoken to the man the previous day, explaining that Alex had been unwell and that she'd be visiting. She showed him her badge for reassurance and he told her to take care of herself and Alex.

When she reached the blonde's apartment, she carefully lowered her to a standing position, and quietly asked "We're home Alex, where are your keys?"

Alex fumbled with her purse, still half asleep and Olivia steadied her before carefully extracting them from the purse in Alex's hands.

Alex leant against her and flopped onto the couch when Olivia attempted to lower her gently.

Olivia glanced at her watch, noting her hunger growing and realising that it was nearing 2pm. She knew the blonde was tired but she also needed to eat, even if she didn't want to.

Olivia decided that soup would be sufficient; it was warm and easy to consume. After heating it on the stove, she brought a small bowl into the blonde and set it on the table. It was far too hot for Alex to try straight away so she let her sleep for a little while longer. While the blonde rested, Olivia made a few calls. Firstly to Elliot, to let him know that she wouldn't be attending dinner this weekend like she made plans to, before calling her captain and asking for a couple more days.

She tested the soup, and found it was still a little hot but it would be fine for Alex to try. She gently roused the blonde, giving her a smile when she opened her eyes.

"What time is it?" Alex asked rubbing her eyes as she sat up a little

"About 2.30pm" Olivia answered "I made some soup, it should be cool enough"

Alex gave a hesitant smile, and reached for the bowl "Thanks" she murmured

Olivia didn't want to watch while Alex ate, she knew the blonde would hate that, so instead she went into the kitchen, consuming the rest of the soup she had heated before returning to the kitchen. Alex had finished the bowl and Olivia felt relieved that she had done so, the bowl was not very big and Alex really needed to eat more, but she had finished what she had been given and for Olivia, right now that was enough.

She took the bowl from the blonde, taking it into the kitchen before returning. "How are you feeling Alex?" she asked as she sat beside the blonde

"I'm okay" Alex answered, turning to face the brunette who obviously wasn't quite believing those words "I am really. I'm sorry about earlier"

"You were tired" Olivia said shaking off the apology, it wasn't needed "And something upset you, do you feel like talking?"

Alex shook her head and Olivia sighed "I don't feel like it, but I know I need to"

Olivia turned to face the blonde "I'm not forcing you to Alex, there's no pressure"

"I know. I just…I feel like I've failed, I could have cost you and Elliot your jobs, I nearly ruined my career all because I was too stupid to see what I was doing to Sam"

"Alex, it wasn't your fault"

"Yes, it was. I could have offered him a ride home, I shouldn't have forced him to testify, and I pushed and pushed and…"

"No!" Olivia said forcefully "You did not molest him, you did not make him do anything he wasn't willing to do and you did not force those pills down his throat, He did that because of what Roy Barnett did to him"

Alex shrugged her shoulders, and slumped back into the couch, curling her legs up to her chest. She fixed her gaze on the wall, and refused to look at Olivia. Olivia sighed as she tried to coax Alex into relaxing. When she realised her attempts would be futile, she switched on the TV and began to watch some show that was on.

A short while later Olivia felt Alex shift beside her and when she lifted her head; she saw Alex was crying, silently. Olivia opened her arms and sighed in relief when Alex crawled into them. She held the woman in her arms while she cried, whispering soothing words. She felt Alex tense and began to rub circles along the blonde's back with her right hand while she took Alex's hand with the other and gave it a light squeeze.

"Thank you" Alex whispered

Olivia placed a kiss on the blonde's head before whispering "I'm here because I'm your friend Alex, you don't have to thank me for that"

* * *

That evening, Alex reluctantly ate half a plate of plain pasta while Olivia watched intently, she would never force the blonde to do anything, but she wanted her to eat, and she'd sit and watch until the blonde consumed enough for the detectives liking.

After eating, and changing into her pyjamas, Alex asked Olivia to stay with her again and Olivia crawled into the bed beside the blonde, holding her in her arms until the both fell asleep.

It was a while later when Olivia woke and was concerned to see that the space beside her was empty. Glancing at the clock Olivia noticed it was nearly 4AM. Climbing from under the covers, she headed out into the living room and saw Alex sitting on the couch. There was some home video playing on the TV. Olivia took a few steps to the couch and saw that Alex was watching intently, tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Alex?" Olivia said gently, not wanting to startle the woman

Alex didn't flinch, didn't move and didn't speak; she continued to stare at the screen, the tears still falling

Olivia sat gingerly beside the woman and looked up at the screen, she saw a smiling child on the swings at a playground, calling "Push me higher Hayley, please"

"Is that you?" Olivia asked

"I was 7" Alex answered, not bothering to push the tears away, her gaze still lingering on the TV in front of her. Olivia didn't want to force Alex to explain further, so she sat patiently, watching with the blonde "Hayley was my au pair, she was my best friend"

"Did she look after you all the time?"

Alex nodded, a smile on her lips "We'd spend hours in the playground, at the library, walking around town or we'd watch movies and eat popcorn, bake biscuits and swim in the pool"

"You looked happy" Olivia observes as she watches a young Alex on the roundabout, squealing as she spins

"I was" Alex answers with a smile, finally turning to look at the brunette beside her "This was taken about 3 weeks before the first time he touched me"

"Oh Alex. Why didn't you tell Hayley?"

Alex shrugged "I don't know. About a month after the first time, she just disappeared. Mom started staying home from work more, but she was still too busy to do anything with me"

"Didn't you go to school?"

Alex nodded "Yeah, of course I just…Liv, can we not talk about this anymore?"

Olivia wanted Alex to open up to her but it was early morning and she knew that Alex needed rest, something had obviously woke her up and she wondered what it was.

"Okay. You couldn't sleep?" she questioned gently

Alex shook her head "I woke up, and couldn't settle"

"Another nightmare?"

Alex nodded before sighing, she paused the screen, and her smiling face stared back at them, her eyes were vibrant, almost as if they were dancing with her happiness. It broke Olivia's heart to think that this happy, young girl had her life turned upside down only weeks later

"Do you want to try getting back to sleep?" Olivia asked

Alex shook her head "I want…I just…everything's such a mess"

"Alex, I know it feels like that right now but really, it's not. You'll be back at work in no time"

"I don't know if I want to go back" Alex said quietly

Olivia understood the blonde's concerns. She knew that cases affected each of them in different ways, and certain cases got to them more than others. Elliot hated victims involving children, he always thought of this own. Olivia found that cases where victims had become pregnant reminded her of herself and her Mom. Alex would find it hard, and in some ways Olivia wondered if SVU was the right place for the blonde attorney.

"You don't need to think about that right now"

Alex shrugged her shoulders "Can you hold me?" she whispered

Olivia smiled gently as she opened her arms, and allowed Alex to snuggle into her much like they had done the previous afternoon

"I'm glad you here" Alex said gently

"Me too" Olivia replied "There's nowhere I'd rather be"

**Let me know what you think?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you to peterpeter, IBME, the guest reviewer and Bkwrmchar for your continued support. A huge thanks to Lovingfanfic2death for your kind words that put a smile on my face. I just like to know what people think, it gives me motivation to continue and also makes me smile after a tough day. There are 36 authors currently following this story, yet only 30 reviews so far, I guess I just like to know that people are enjoying this, and want me to continue. **

**Anyway, onwards and upwards. Hope you enjoy**

Chapter 8:

Olivia woke around 7.30; she watched Alex sleeping for a short while until the need to empty her bladder arose. She didn't want to wake the now relaxed woman, but at the same time, she wasn't sure she'd be able to manoeuvre herself off the couch without doing so.

"Alex? Sweetheart, wake up" Olivia said quietly as she attempted to shift a little

"Hmm?"

"I really need a wee, Alex" Olivia explained "I can't move though"

Alex opened her eyes and gasped before jumping from the couch "Liv, I'm so sorry. You must be really uncomfortable"

Olivia gave a small smile "No, I was fine. I just really need the loo"

Alex nodded as Olivia removed herself from the couch and headed to the bathroom. Olivia did her business before heading back out.

Alex was in the kitchen, making breakfast. Olivia smiled, pleased that Alex was taking the reins with food but frowned in concern when the blonde placed a plate of pancakes in front of her while sitting down with just a coffee.

"You only having that?" she asked gently

Alex nodded "Yeah, I don't eat breakfast often"

"I noticed" Olivia said before sighing "Look Alex…"

"Olivia, please. I don't want a lecture about how I don't eat enough, about how you're worried about me, please, I know all that"

"Then talk to me, please. I know that this case hit you hard, that you've been through a lot as a child and that some of those issues haven't left you, and probably never will but you still need to look after yourself Alex, you still need food. I'd hate to see you sick because you're malnourished, I want to help you but I don't know how"

"Liv?"

"No, Alex, you can't hide any more" Olivia says, tears pricking her eyes "Don't hide from me"

"Why? You don't know me Olivia"

"I want to. Alex, over these last few days I've learnt things about you that break my heart, I care about you. You're my friend, and you said I was yours too. Friends don't hide from each other. I said I would never force you to talk to me. I mean that. But I do want you to see someone, I think you need to"

"I don't need a shrink" Alex said defensively

"I can be here as your friend, I can listen when you want to talk but I don't know how to help Alex. Someone professional might be able to give you the tools to get better"

"I'm fine"

"I know you know that isn't true. Please, think about it Alex"

Alex shrugged as she stood from the table before heading to the bathroom "I need a shower"

Olivia sighed as Alex disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door swiftly behind her.

* * *

"Liv?" Alex says quietly a few hours later. After Alex had retreated to the bathroom, she hid in her bedroom, not wanting to face the brunette. Now, after a long think and a little bit of crying, she realised how rude she had been to the woman who was only trying to help

She hovered in the entrance to the living room, watching Olivia read a book she must have brought with her.

The brunette looked up and gave a half smile "Hey"

"I'm sorry" Alex started as she stepped into the room "I know you care and I was rude to you when you were only trying to help and you are Liv, you being here does help. I don't know what I'd be doing if you weren't here"

Olivia raised a brow "Lex?"

Alex tenses at the mention of her shortened name, but she remembers that it's Olivia, and not Jack. Olivia realises her mistake noticing the blonde looking a little pale but is relieved when Alex gives a small smile before sitting down beside the brunette.

"Alex? Can you talk to me?"

"I uh, he always told me how fat I was, while he…" Alex began hesitantly. Olivia took her hand and squeezed it lightly, urging her to continue "He made me feel like I wasn't anything…you know. My Mom, she'd always tell me I was a little pudgy, and I was, back then. I just, food was an issue afterwards. It always has been"

"You're beautiful Alex" Olivia almost whispers

Alex turns to look at Olivia and shakes her head "I'm not Olivia…I know I'm not"

"Then you're wrong Alex, so incredibly wrong. You are beautiful, inside and out. Please, believe me when I tell you, you are gorgeous, so gorgeous" Olivia said sincerely, the last two words in a whisper

Alex looked at Olivia for a second, she could see the truth in Olivia's eyes, and she could see that the brunette believed everything she was saying

"Thank you" she whispered before a sob escaped her lips.

Olivia took her in her arms and began rocking her slowly, gently humming the Mr Softee song. Alex smiled as she did so, touched by how kind and considerate the brunette could be. She had always admired Olivia's compassion for victims, she had always wondered if Olivia was always such an incredibly sweet soul, and she was. She certainly was.

After Alex had calmed, Olivia suggested that she take Alex to her favourite place. Alex was unsure, uncertain, but Olivia assured her that if Alex felt uncomfortable, they'd come straight back.

Half an hour later they were perched on a rock in Riverside Park "I used to come here sometimes when my Mom was in one of her drunken states. Just to get away"

"It's lovely here Liv"

Olivia smiled as she nodded "It always made me feel so relaxed, even if we are near the Hudson River"

Alex laughed as she leant into the brunette's embrace. Olivia had wrapped her arm around Alex shortly after they'd sat down and the blonde felt safe and comforted in her friend's arms.

"Thank you Olivia, for this, for everything, for pushing through my walls even when I was being stupid and rude"

"You're not stupid Alex, never and you weren't rude either. Just scared and lost, and that's fine. Really, I do care about you, maybe more than I should"

Alex didn't know what to say, after the incident at the art gallery the other day, Alex has found herself thinking more and more about Olivia, and she'd picked up on the subtle hints, the way Olivia had called her beautiful and gorgeous, the terms of endearment she had used to rouse the blonde after sleeping. She wasn't sure what was happening and it frightened and excited her at the same time

They sat for a little while longer, until Olivia's stomach began to growl, its signal to let her know it needed food. Alex giggled and Olivia laughed along with her as they left the park and headed to a quaint little diner that she knew about.

While looking at the menu's, Olivia noticed Alex was fidgeting so in order to give her support, she reached across the table and took her hand, giving it a light squeeze she said "Order what you want Alex, you're beautiful"

Alex ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and a coffee, and consumed it all. She smiled sheepishly in embarrassment when Olivia looked at the empty plate in front of her

"Don't be embarrassed Alex, I'm glad you enjoyed it"

Alex nodded as Olivia paid for their meals before they headed back to Alex's apartment. While they were walking, Alex slipped her hand into Olivia's. At first the brunette was shocked and taken aback but when she looked at Alex, the blonde gave a small smile and squeezed the brunette's hand.

Olivia felt her heart start to race, but she kept reprimanding herself silently, trying to tell herself that Alex was just seeking comfort from a friend.

"Liv?" Alex said gently as they reached the blonde's apartment. The brunette turned and nearly gasped when she realised how close Alex had gotten. She could feel the blonde's breath on her lips and knew what was about to happen.

As Alex's lips neared her own, Olivia turned and shook her head before lowering it "I can't Alex" she mumbled

Alex sighed as she walked ahead of the brunette who was now kicking herself for her lack of empathy. She didn't know what Alex wanted, and didn't want to take advantage of a vulnerable woman; she wanted Alex to be sure about what was happening between them.

"Alex?" she called as she entered the apartment where the blonde had entered a few seconds earlier. She found the blonde laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling."Alex?"

"It's okay Olivia, I get it. I was wrong, okay"

"No" Olivia said as she took a seat on the bed beside the blonde "You were so right Alex but I don't want you to regret this a few weeks or months down the line, I need you to be sure that you're ready for this. You're not gay Alex, you know that. I don't want to be an experiment, I don't want to satisfy your curiosity and then you change your mind and realise you were wrong about what you wanted"

"I don't know what I want" Alex said quietly

Olivia reached out to grasp the blonde's hand "Exactly. I really care about you Alex, I've said that over and over and it's true. I just can't let you do something you're not sure about"

"I care about you too Olivia. I don't know what's happening, I'm not gay. I've…it's been a long time since I let anybody get close, I freak out when they do but you're different. I don't know why you are but you are"

"You need to be in a better place before we try and see where this could go"

Alex nodded as she sat herself up against the headboard "I know, but I can't help thinking that I'll never be in a better place. I'm never going to get over what happened while I'm working SVU"

"Alex, I'll admit that I have concerns about you going back to your position, because I think it puts unnecessary pressure on you but it's your decision, I'll support it either way"

"Yet I don't know if it would change anything if I didn't work SVU, all this, it isn't new Olivia, I have moments when I'm fine and things are okay but then I hit some sort of block and I stumble right back into this self destructive path. I just don't know how long I can…before…"

Olivia furrows her brows, turning to look at the blonde who has turned a deathly shade of white "Alex? Before what, Al?"

"Nothing" Alex squeaks, almost diving from the bed to the bathroom.

Olivia sits on the bed, now confused and concerned as she listens to Alex sobbing in the bathroom.

**May not get the next chapter up until late Saturday afternoon. Depends on whether the time permits. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the delay, I know I said I'd have this up Saturday and it's now Sunday afternoon, I've just been a bit busy and my muse wasn't too cooperative, I took some time trying to perfect this chapter. I hope it's okay for you, I'm fairly happy with it.**

**Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm. Nothing too heavy but still may be triggering. Read with caution. **

Chapter 9:

"Alex, honey, can I come in?" Olivia asks a time later. She is met with a silence than unnerves her just a little.

"Alex, you've been in there for nearly half an hour. Can you please open the door?" Olivia is growing more concerned as again she is met with silence "Al…"

The door swings open, cutting off Olivia's words as Alex shrugs her shoulders and moves to pass the older woman.

"Uh uh" Olivia says shaking her head as she takes the blonde's elbow, leading her to the couch "Talk to me"

"I…uh" Alex says with a heavy sigh "I just…"

"Alex, what were you doing in there all that time? You were really beginning to worry me. Why did you bolt like that?" Olivia asks with genuine concern

Alex shrugs sheepishly before relaxing her shoulders and curling into the couch "I'm fine"

"Alex, those two words don't mean anything, because I know there just empty lies. You were saying that you didn't know how long before….something. What were you talking about Alex?"

Alex shakes her head "I don't…Liv, please"

"Alex, you've opened up to me so much these last couple of days and I'm pleased you have, and I hope it's lifted some weight from your shoulders, but there's obviously a lot more that you haven't shared. I'll never push you into talking, but I'm worried, do I need to be?"

Alex wants to say no, she wants to tell Olivia to leave, that she's fine, but she knows and she knows Olivia will know that she's lying.

"I don't know" she finally answers "Can we not do this right now?"

Olivia sighs, she wants to push because she's worried but she knows, and not just from her job that pushing doesn't always get the answers you need, sometimes it does more harm than good. Sam Cavanaugh proved that, but she wasn't about to say that to Alex, the blonde already felt bad enough as it was.

Olivia was also worried about why this case affected Alex more than others, because from what she had been told by the blonde, there weren't many similarities. Sam had been abused by someone he'd grown attached to, he hadn't seen it as abuse but love, where as Alex was young, and had been molested by one of her father's co workers, someone she didn't really know. Sam had had a chance to put his abuser away where as Alex never had. Sam had his Mother, where as Alex was alone. It worried Olivia more as she thought about it. Something about this case, something about it had unravelled the blonde's past and she still didn't know what.

"What do you want to do then Alex?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders as she leaned back into the couch, and closed her eyes "I don't know"

"Maybe I should go home, you look tired Alex" Olivia said gently

"No, don't go. I mean…you don't…I'm…" Alex quickly hurried out almost bolting upright

"If you were going to say 'fine' then don't Alex, I know you're not. The way you almost had a heart attack when I mentioned going home shows me you're not okay"

"Please" Alex says in a whisper

"Alex?"

"I just…" Alex started before yawning

"It's okay, if you need to sleep Alex, please do. I can amuse myself with your extensive DVD collection or multiple channels" Olivia said with a chuckle

Alex attempted a glare but soon ended up giggling beside the brunette before yawning again "Don't let me sleep too long, I want to be able to sleep tonight"

* * *

"Alex" Olivia whispered into the blonde's ear "Wake up"

"Uh?" Alex grunted "I'm sleeping"

Olivia laughed loudly, before glancing at the blonde who was now awake and looking very unimpressed "What?"

"Sorry" Olivia said trying to stifle her laughter "You're just so cute when you're half asleep"

Alex swats her arm playfully before rubbing her eyes and asking "What time is it?"

"Uh, bout five fifteen, I thought I'd better wake you, you've been asleep for nearly 2 hours. I ordered Pizza"

"Sounds good" Alex said brushing a stand of hair from her face "You find anything good to watch?"

"Not really, I think I might have had a little doze myself" Olivia said

Alex laughed as Olivia yawned. The doorbell rang and Olivia went to get their pizza delivery. Alex was nervous about eating something as heavy as pizza but she resigned herself to eating a little and hoped that would be okay for Olivia. She knew the brunette was really worried about her and she couldn't say there was no reason for her to be.

"You okay?" Olivia asked, sitting down beside the now very quiet and tense blonde

Alex nodded mutely as she took the plate from Olivia before whispering "Thank you"

Olivia knew that Alex was nervous about the food and she internally berated herself for not thinking to ask before she ordered. She had just wanted things to feel normal for Alex but she realised her mistake and glanced at Alex who was nibbling the pizza crust

"If you want me to get something else…"

Alex shook her head "No, it's fine. I…I think I might go and uh, put my pyjamas on first. Maybe if I feel comfortable…I"

Olivia nodded, taking the plate from Alex as the blonde hurried into her bedroom.

Olivia sighed as she continued to eat her pizza. A short while later Alex emerged in her pyjamas, her eyes obviously red from crying. "Hey" Olivia whispered "Come here"

Alex shook her head as she headed into the kitchen. She jumped when she felt Olivia's arms snake around her waist, but relaxed as she the brunette held her. "Relax Alex, it's just me"

"I'm sorry"

"Hey, I told you not to apologise. What's got you so jittery though Al?"

Alex shrugged as she attempted to keep the tears at bay. Biting her lip, she willed them not to fall.

"I'm sorry I didn't think before I ordered Pizza. I kind of forced that one on you"

"It's…o-okay" Alex choked out as she shook a little in Olivia's arms

"Hey, hey, Come on, sweetie, let's go and sit down" Olivia said gently, as she felt the blonde's tremors as she fought the tears

"It's not just the eating Olivia, before, before SVU, before I went to Harvard, I cut myself"

Olivia held back a gasp knowing that this was hard for the blonde, she squeezed her hand gently in hope that she'd feel strong enough to continue as they sat down on the couch

"I haven't…it's been a while but sometimes, I…sometimes I want to, sometimes I come close"

"Alex?"

"I nearly bled out once; I cut and nicked an artery. I…I didn't want to die, but when I realised I couldn't stop the blood, I had a thought that maybe it would just be better"

Olivia felt the tears rush to her eyes, and she tried to hold them back, knowing that if Alex saw her crying, she'd stop talking.

"I had some pills, I was crying, and…I dropped the bottle. My room-mate came in and well…she forced me to get help. We weren't close but the thought of coming back to the dorm and finding me…well, she was totally freaked"

"That's why Sam…" Olivia began

"Don't Liv, please. I just…it reminded me of what I could have been"

"Alex, I have to ask…"

"No, Liv, I don't. I don't want to die, I never really did, I was just lost. Sometimes, I want to cut, and sometimes I even get to the point where I have the means in my hand…"

Olivia nodded; she didn't need Alex to explain further, she pulled her into her arms and allowed her to cry. She let the tears fall along with Alex's, knowing how hard it must have been to see Sam like that, and how hard it must be to let all this out.

"You saw someone?" she asked a little time later "You said…"

"My roommate checked me into a facility; I was there about a month. I managed to control the urges and I've only relapsed a couple of times since. The eating though, it's just…Jack wasn't the only person to mention my weight"

"You're beautiful"

"I don't know about that, but I'm learning to accept it and realise that I'm not fat. I know I'm not overweight, but I worry about it. I just try and keep my weight as it is, you know, I fluctuate a lot, but as soon as I reach a certain mark, I worry" Alex said before letting out a heavy sigh "Sorry I ruined our evening"

"Its fine Al, I'd rather you let this out than let it keep eating at you"

"You're not going to run?" Alex asked wide eyed

Olivia furrowed her brows "Run? Why would…you've told people before, and they've left?"

"I've never had a sexual relationship Liv, you need to know that, and I've never let anyone see my scars, ever. When I try and explain why I'm not comfortable with that level of intimacy, most people go running. Maybe it's a man thing, but…I expected…"

"You can tell me anything Alex, I'll never run. I want to be here, to help you, as a friend, first and foremost. I know that you don't trust easy and I know that relationships and intimacy scares you…I'll never force you, or pressure you. I just want to be with you"

The tears fell heavy at Olivia's words and Alex buried her head in the older woman's shoulder "Thank you" she whispered through her tears, holding on as if her life depended on it.

**Let me know what you think, and where you'd like this to go. Back to work tomorrow, so updates may be a little here and there **


	10. Chapter 10

**Here we go with yet another chapter. I started writing this one yesterday but fell asleep, so managed to complete as soon as I got home from work. **

**Before you read, I just want to mention that in this chapter I mention a case that Olivia is working on, as obviously the show is the job, not their personal lives. However, the case is purely fictional, and doesn't relate to the show. Seeing as the episode aired after 'Guilt', still showed Alex as the ADA on the case, after her month suspension. **

Chapter 10:

"Benson" Olivia answered her cell before listening to the sound of Captain Cragen explaining that she was needed and though they had tried to give her the requested days, she was needed and urgently. Groaning she dropped the cell onto the couch beside her. She knew that this would happen but after what Alex had just told her, she didn't really want to leave the blonde.

"You got to go?" Alex asked, although she already knew the answer

"I really don't want to…but I have to. Alex, are you going to be okay?"

Alex nods her head hesitantly, but manages a smile as Olivia shuffles closer to her.

"Call me if you need anything, and I'll text you sometime tomorrow, whenever I can okay?"

"I'll be fine"

Olivia gives the blonde a warm hug and kisses her cheek before pulling on her boots and grabbing her jacket from the rack. "I mean it Alex, call me, please"

Alex nodded and sighed as the door to her apartment shut behind the brunette. She sat for a few minutes, now uncertain of what to do before heading to the bedroom and crawling under the covers. It wasn't late but she didn't want to sit for hours thinking and decided she should try and sleep, even if her attempts turn futile.

* * *

"You okay Liv?" Elliot asked as Olivia sighed dejectedly as her head hit the desk she had been sitting at for the last 2 hours. It was nearing midnight and Olivia was already fed up with being back at work, especially when all she could think about was Alex.

She knew she couldn't talk to Elliot about this; it wouldn't be fair to Alex, to break her trust. She lifted her head and nodded "Yeah, just tired"

"You and Alex okay?" he asked. Elliot knew about Olivia's feelings for the blonde ADA, it was obvious to everyone how much she cared for her and he knew that those feelings were reciprocated. Remembering that the last time he had seen his partner, he had dropped her off at a bar after she had received a call from Alex.

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?" Olivia asked cocking a brow at the muscular man opposite her

"Just that you obviously went to see her at that bar the other night and she's been suspended. You've been with her haven't you?"

"As a friend Elliot, nothing more" Olivia said, not allowing herself to mention that they had both discussed the possibility of more

"She okay?"

Olivia nodded, masking the lie with a smile that only she knew to be fake. She had been having trouble concentrating for a short time now and it was obvious Elliot knew something was up. She had expected to hear from Alex, even if it was just a text to say goodnight, but having not, she couldn't help but worry.

"You know you can trust me right?"

Olivia nodded before forcing herself to concentrate on the case. A woman had been raped and then murdered after partying with her friends. However, the said friends denied any knowledge of an argument between victim and a man in the vicinity which was caught on camera outside the club they had been inside. Every lead had turned out a dead end, and Olivia was already fed up. It seemed that either nobody heard or saw anything or they just didn't want to talk.

"What else have you got El? I can't work out what happened here, we keep being stonewalled"

"I think we should check out the Victims friends again, someone must have seen her leave the club. Friends stick by each other right, so if one of them became separated, someone must have noticed"

Olivia agreed followed Elliot from the precinct. Desperately hoping for a break so she could call Alex.

* * *

The case, subsequently lasted 3 days, the perp had been found and dealt with accordingly and by the time Olivia managed to get home to her apartment, she was exhausted but Alex was very much a huge part of her thoughts as she unlocked her apartment door late Wednesday. After a quick shower, and glance at the clock, that told her it was only turning 7pm, she decided she had to see the blonde. She had known that she would have to get back to work, and she was scheduled back Monday but after the weekend and Alex's emotional release, she had almost forgotten. The call on Sunday had come as a bit of a shock, to her and she guessed to Alex too.

When she arrived at the blonde's apartment, she took a moment to steady her breathing before knocking.

The door opened relatively quickly and Olivia was taken aback by the blonde's arms around her neck as if they'd been apart for weeks not days. "Alex?"

"I've missed you so much, I…" Alex began before she lost her resolve and began to sob heavily into the brunette's shoulder.

Olivia guided the blonde inside, closing the door behind her and heading to the couch.

She let Alex cry for a while and when she felt the blonde relax against her, she ran her hands through her hair noticing how it fell limply against her cheek "Alex, talk to me"

"I'm sorry. I must look…"

"Beautiful. Alex, you're beautiful but you do look a mess. Tell me what's happened since Sunday"

"Nothing"

"Alex" Olivia warned, her voice showed concern but she hated Alex lying to her.

"Really, Liv, nothing happened. Except I've had nightmares every single night and that's when I was sleeping"

"How much have you eaten?" Olivia asked as she continued to run her hands through the blonde's hair

"I had some toast yesterday…I think it was yesterday" Alex murmured

"Alex"

"Don't Liv, please. I don't need you having a go at me" Alex said pulling away from the brunette

Olivia sighed "Alex, I'm not having a go. I'm just worried, that's all. I tried calling you…"

"I know, I was asleep"

"Alex, come on. You don't think that I'd believe that"

"Okay, I was worried if I answered I'd break down and I didn't want you leaving work. How was work?"

"Stop changing the subject Alex. Work was fine, it was just work. I was worried about you though and I know Elliot noticed something, I think they all did" Olivia said before taking a breath "Can I hold you again?"

Alex nodded and leant back into the brunette's arms "Thank you"

"It's nothing. Would you like to take a shower, while I cook something, is that okay?"

"Are you saying I stink?" Alex tried to joke but bit her lip when Olivia glared at her "Sorry"

"It's okay, and no, I wasn't saying that, I was merely thinking that a shower might make you feel better while I cook something light, so you could eat"

"I was just…"

"I know, trying to make a joke to mask how bad you really feel. Go, have a shower and I'll fix us something small"

Alex nodded as she went to move from the couch.

"Alex, come here" Olivia said softly, opening her arms when Alex turned around

The hug was quick but it was the comfort and warmth that emitted from the brunette that Alex needed and was thankful for.

* * *

After a relatively long shower Alex emerged from the bathroom, looking much brighter than she had done previously.

She smiled as she watched Olivia in the kitchen before sneaking up on her and snaking her hands around the brunette's waist while resting her head on her shoulder "What you doing?"

Olivia gasped briefly but allowed herself to relax, not wanting Alex to see how much the contact affected her "You made me jump" she said quietly

"Sorry. That shower made me feel much better"

"I'm glad"

"You do too Liv, you make me feel safe" Alex said sincerely, placing a kiss to the brunette's neck "Thank you"

Olivia tensed at the feel of the blonde's lips on her neck, and when she felt Alex's hands slip under her shirt, she gasped and turned quickly "Alex"

"Sorry" Alex blushed and turned her head before attempting to run in the opposite direction

Olivia knew that Alex was about to attempt an escape so she grabbed her arm quickly and turned her around "Alex"

"No, Liv. Please…I…"

"Relax its fine. It was unexpected but we've spoken about this, you know I'm attracted to you, and I know you said you felt something with me. Talk to me"

"Olivia" Alex pleaded with her eyes, she didn't want to talk about this, she wasn't sure what had come over herself and it scared her beyond belief.

"Okay" Olivia sighed "But don't run away. I made pasta and a light sauce, nothing heavy. I'll let you choose how much you eat, but you need to have something okay? Have you drunk anything today?"

"I'm not stupid Olivia"

"I know you're not" Olivia sighed as she sat and placed the bowl in front of the blonde and walked from the kitchen

"Are you not eating?"

"I'm going to go home. I'm giving you some space, because I'm obviously not helping"

"Don't go Olivia…Stay."

"No, Alex. I've tried giving you space, yet you want comfort, I try and be your friend and you push me away. I try and talk and you don't want to, it's like tug of war around you and I don't want to get angry with you, so I'm giving you some space. Call me when you know what you want from me"

"Liv, I'm sorry" Alex pleads "Come and sit down"

Olivia sighs as she runs her hand through her hair "I'm tired Alex, and I'm worried about you. You try and tell me that I don't need to, yet you don't eat, and…I hate seeing you like this"

Tears are slipping from the brunette's eyes as she speaks and she hastily brushes them away "I've got to go"

Alex feels awful as she watches Olivia walk away. She hadn't realised how much she was hurting Olivia, and it makes her feel terrible, making a decision she jumps from her chair, reaching the brunette before she opens the door. Alex spins her round and crashes her lips to Olivia's, the brunette freezes before….

**I decided to leave this chapter as a little cliff hanger, and I'd like your thoughts on what should happen now. Does Olivia return the kiss or does she push Alex away? Let me know what you thought of this chapter and what you'd like to see happen, or what you think should. **


	11. Chapter 11

**I sincerely apologise for taking so long to update. It's just been crazy what with work and packing for my upcoming holiday. I am just completely behind on everything at the moment.**

**I want to thank you all for your reviews, your words mean a lot to me and it really gives me the motivation to keep writing. **

**Thank you to:**

**Nerd-glasses: I'm continuing! :)**

**JelleyJakes: Thank you for your review. I usually update regularly, I have just been so busy. You definitely give me a reason to write. **

**Keonquil: Don't you worry about it, I wouldn't expect you to comment on each chapter as you read it if you read it all together. **

**D M Harper: OMG, Thank you for reviewing. Your words were really inspiring and helpful, it means so much. You might need those tissues!**

**Bkwrmchar and Lovingfanfic2death: Thank you both so much for your continued support. :)**

**To any of those who have read the first chapter of "Visitor Unexpected", I thank you for your reviews too, and promise I will have the next chapter up sometime this week. Without further ado, here's chapter 11.**

Chapter 11

**_Alex feels awful as she watches Olivia walk away. She hadn't realised how much she was hurting Olivia, and it makes her feel terrible, making a decision she jumps from her chair, reaching the brunette before she opens the door. Alex spins her round and crashes her lips to Olivia's. The brunette freezes before…._**

Olivia is a little shocked, being caught unawares as she was spun around. It takes a second for Olivia to function and she begins to kiss the blonde back, gently but surely. As Alex begins to deepen the kiss, Olivia allows her for a momentary second before gently breaking the kiss and placing butterfly kisses on the blonde's lips, in quick concession.

"Alex" she starts

"Liv, I know what you're going to say, or ask, I am sure, more sure than I have been of anything recently. I am attracted to you, who wouldn't be, you're gorgeous… but this isn't me experimenting, trying to figure things out. I want this, I want you" Alex says, her last words causing the brunette to shiver

Olivia shakes her head "Alex..."

"No, Olivia. I'm sorry, I am so sorry I keep pushing you away. I'm scared, okay, absolutely terrified but I want a relationship with you. We can take it slow, and I promise I'll stop pushing you away, I'll let you in and…I…I'm sorry" Alex chokes out the last 2 words, and almost falls to the ground if not for the brunette's arms that have snaked around her waist, holding her close

"Shh, come on" Olivia soothes, leading the blonde over to the couch, pulling her close and placing a kiss on her forehead

"I'm sorry" Alex mumbles into Olivia's shoulder

"I know you are babe, its okay. Just relax, don't worry. I've got you"

Olivia allows Alex to cry, knowing that the blonde needs to let herself go so she can heal. Olivia is concerned that Alex has been strong for too long and now everything's spiralling out of control.

After a short while Olivia is aware that Alex has calmed and she gently lifts the blonde from her shoulder, giving a small smile and placing a kiss on her forehead "You okay?"

Alex nods and returns the smile before chuckling "I guess the pasta's cold"

Olivia nods "Want me to warm it up?"

Alex shook her head "Liv, I'm really not hungry. Can we just start again tomorrow?"

Olivia knows Alex should eat but she also knows that forcing the issue right now won't have positive consequences, so instead of arguing, she nods her head and pulls the blonde back to her, holding her close.

"You tired?" Olivia asks the blonde as she closes her eyes with a sigh

"Yeah" Alex mumbles "You don't mind do you?"

Olivia shakes her head "Course not sweetheart but I really think you'd sleep better in your bed than on the couch"

"Stay with me, please" Alex almost whispered, her eyes doing the begging, even if her voice sounded timid

"Always"

* * *

Olivia woke just after 2am to heavy sobs and was alarmed to see Alex on the floor beside the bed, knees drawn to her chest, and her body convulsing with the force of her emotions.

"Al?"

The blonde didn't seem to register Olivia's presence, and Olivia gathered she'd had a nightmare and she was still caught in the flashbacks it caused. Carefully shifted from the bed, Olivia knelt in front of Alex, careful not to touch or startle her

"Alex. It's me"

Alex lifted her head slowly and then backed away wide eyed, Olivia knew that it wasn't her that the blonde was afraid of, and the movement was a reaction brought on by panic.

"Hey, look at me Alex. It's just me"

A sliver of recognition flashed across the blonde's eyes and she flew into Olivia's arms, sobbing uncontrollably. Olivia held Alex for a few minutes before deciding to attempt to talk to her before she chose to clam up.

"Alex, what happened? Talk to me"

"It…I…he….was in me…I…I… It felt so real, the orgasm…"

Olivia can sense that Alex is beginning to panic again so she holds her tighter, and rubs soothing circles across her back "Shh, its okay. I've got you Alex. It's okay sweetheart"

"I'm tired"

Olivia lifted Alex from the floor, and laid beside her on the bed, gently stroking her and whispering soothing words to lull the blonde into sleep.

When Olivia woke again, the sun was shining in through the windows, and the clock read 6.15am. Aware that she was expected into work, and that Alex was still sound asleep, she decided to have a quick shower and attempt to encourage Alex to eat breakfast. She was worried about leaving the blonde but she didn't want Alex to think she wasn't trusted; it wasn't that at all, she was just worried about her.

Olivia was relieved to see the blonde still sleeping when she emerged from her shower and set out making a light breakfast of fruit and yoghurt and pancakes. Putting a small bowl of fruit, a pot of yoghurt and a pancake on the tray along with a glass of orange juice, Olivia brought them to the still sleeping blonde.

"Alex" she said gently "Alex, I made breakfast"

Alex opened her eyes and gave a sleepy smile before stretching "Hey"

"I made breakfast" Olivia repeated as Alex pulled herself into a sitting position

"Looks good" Alex observed "You got to go to work?"

Olivia nodded "Yep. I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay" Alex murmured "Liv?"

"Yeah sweetie"

"Thank you"

Olivia leant down and kissed Alex gently on the cheek "Your welcome"

Alex sighed and leant back into the pillows as the brunette exited the bedroom. She looked at the plate of food and took a breath before beginning to eat. She was surprised at how easy it was to eat this morning, and she finished the fruit and yoghurt and consumed half a pancake. She was pleased with herself and decided to be productive today.

Taking a quick shower and dressing casually in jeans and a firm fitted shirt Alex grabbed her bag and left the apartment.

* * *

Olivia threw down her pen, and grabbed her jacket as soon as the captain told them to go. Olivia had received a text less than an hour ago from Alex, asking her to come over. The text was vague and when Olivia asked if everything was okay, Alex had replied that all was fine and that she just missed Olivia.

"Bye El" Olivia called over her shoulder, not waiting for a reply as she hurried into the elevator and subsequently out of the building and into her car.

When Olivia knocked on the door to Alex's apartment, she was nervous and concerned. She had tried calling the blonde but Alex hadn't picked up. Choosing to forgo a shower and clothes change at her own apartment, Olivia had headed straight for Alex's.

"Hey" Alex said with a smile as she opened the door

"You okay? I tried calling you"

Alex laughed to herself as she stepped aside, allowing Olivia to enter "Sorry. My cell is still in my purse"

"I was worried" Olivia tells her

"You didn't need to be" Alex says harshly

"Well, I'm sorry. You call and tell me to come over, and then you don't answer my calls, what else was I meant to think?"

"I was busy and it's in my purse" Alex retorted back before storming off into the kitchen

"Alex"

"What? I was trying to surprise you Olivia"

"With what?" Olivia asks before stepping into the kitchen "Oh my god. Alex, I am so sorry. This is…"

Olivia began to cry at the sight before her. The kitchen table had been cleared and was set for two, a single flower stood in a long vase and petals ordered the floor. The lights were dimmed and the scent of something cooking filled the air.

"Liv"

"I hate arguing with you, and I…you did all this? For me?"

Alex smiled as she pulled Olivia into her arms, kissing her softly on the forehead "I wanted to say thank you for all you're doing for me, and I…I wanted to show you how it means and…I wanted to do something nice"

"It's more than nice Alex. I didn't mean to make you feel bad"

"I shouldn't have gone off on you for caring. I've giving you reason enough to worry recently"

"So, what's cooking?" Olivia asks, still embraced in the blonde's arms

"Roast Chicken and roasted veg…and there's some strawberry cheesecake in the fridge too"

Olivia is a little taken aback by Alex's confident approach to this meal, and while she is pleased that the blonde seems to be relaxed, she's also a little apprehensive of the reasoning behind the meal

"It smells delicious"

"So do you?" Alex whispered into Olivia's ear, nibbling it gently

"Alex…" Olivia squeaked pulling back and searching the blonde's eyes. Alex hushed Olivia with her finger on the brunette's lips before replacing it with her lips.

The kiss was gentle, unhurried, almost innocent and shy and Olivia felt like she was being swept from the earth as Alex tangled her hand in brunette hair, the other resting on Olivia's waist. Olivia kissed back tentatively, allowing Alex to lead yet when Olivia parted her lips; the blonde deepened the kiss, pushing Olivia backwards until she hit the doorframe with a soft thud.

Alex stopped the kiss to check that the brunette was okay, which she was more than okay at this point "Don't stop" she half gasped, half panted before connecting her lips to Alex's in a bruising and more passionate kiss.

When the need for air became too great Alex extracted herself from Olivia's lips, breathing heavily with flushed skin "Wow" she whispered

"Wow indeed" Olivia echoed

Alex began to laugh and Olivia raised her brows "What's so funny?"

"Nothing…It's just. That was amazing, and…I can't believe I waited so long"

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and squeezed her tight "You're amazing Alex"

"So are you"

"Shall we eat?"

Alex nodded before placing a quick kiss on the brunette's nose. She pulled out a chair and commanded Olivia to sit

"Thank you my lady" Olivia said with a bow before sitting down

Alex swatted her playfully on the shoulder as she tended to the meal cooking in the oven.

While they ate, they talked about how there day had been. Olivia didn't want to talk about work so she let Alex lead the conversation

"I made an appointment with a therapist today"

Olivia nearly choked on the mouthful she had just taken. She hadn't expected Alex to say that, but she was relieved and pleased that the blonde was trying to get help

"That's really good Alex. I'm really pleased"

"I needed to do it. I need help"

"I'm proud of you. When's your first appointment?"

"Tomorrow" Alex said hesitantly, almost in a whisper

"Are you nervous?" Olivia asked

Alex swallowed, and nodded, attempting to hold in the tears. Olivia reached over and took the blonde's hand in her own

"You're going to be fine. Do you want me to come with you?"

Alex shook her head, biting her lip "No. I'll be okay. I'm just…it's a bit overwhelming you know"

"You'll call me afterwards?"

"Yeah"

Olivia nodded and let the blonde's hand go before continuing to eat. She had noticed that Alex had been eating well but once she had started the conversation, she had taken to pushing the food around with her fork.

Once Olivia had finished Alex took the plates, placing them in the sink before offering her hand to Olivia "Would you dance with me?"

Olivia nodded and almost began to cry when Alix Dobkin's song "A woman's love" began to play. Olivia had always loved this song and she had once told Alex when it had come on the radio.

_Because she's a woman  
I didn't think I loved her  
So unexpected we just stood and smiled  
And I felt so fine  
And it was so right inside  
But how could I know I loved her  
Because she's a woman_

Because she's a woman  
Confusion in my feelings  
I tried to name it everything but love  
But like a magic dream  
It would not be turned aside  
But suddenly and warmly it held me  
Because she's a woman

Because she's a woman  
She doesn't try to change me  
She knows and understands a woman's ways  
And I feel so free  
To be what she sees in me  
It's so easy to be her lover  
Because she's a woman

I realize a woman's place is my home  
And I know that we've always been in love  
And so it will be Elisa and me.

Because I'm a woman  
A way was laid down for me  
I've always thought I'd need a man to love  
And while the men I've known,  
Were as loving as they could be  
There's no man that can match her beauty  
Because she's a woman

And she feels so much the sweet touch of 

_A woman's love. _

Once the song had finished, they stood in each other's arms and held onto each other. Alex lifted her head and kissed Olivia on the lips before whispering "I love you Olivia"

Olivia smiled through her tears before choking out "I love you too"

**As always your thoughts are appreciated. I won't leave it too long to update, baring everything going to plan this week. **

**I do not own the lyrics used in this chapter.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Here we go. Sorry about the delay, I have been really busy recently. Just haven't got round to writing, or posting. Hopefully I can get back on track and have another chapter up soon. **

**Thanks again for your support, the reviews and kind words mean so much to me. **

**IBME: I hope that I can write these issues the way they should be written. Feel free to tell me when I'm going wrong. **

**Nerd Glasses: As a self harm survivor myself, approaching 3 years free I hope to be sensetive and handle this story without disappointing anyone. I know how tough it is to get through.**

**WARNING: This chapter deals with talk about rape, self harm and suicide. Read with caution.**

Chapter 12:

After the meal, and consequent dance, Olivia and Alex sat together on the couch, wrapped in each other's arms and watched a couple of movies. Neither of them were all that interested in what they were watching, they had become too engrossed in each other, Olivia gently stroking her hand through Alex's hair, and the blonde leaning into the touch, both of them caught in their own arousal.

"I really like this" Alex whispered

"Me too, it feels so natural"

"It does. Do you have to go home?"

"I really need a shower and a change of clothes Alex, as you probably can tell?"

"Nah, you look and smell just fine" Alex said with a chuckle

Olivia laughed and kissed Alex's head "Thanks Sweetie but really, I do need to go home tonight"

Alex really wanted Olivia to stay over but she wasn't going to beg. She had to be strong, and let the relationship progress at a normal rate, without rushing. Neither of them needed that.

"Call me when you get home"

"I will" Olivia promised

As she stood, Alex stayed sitting on the couch. Olivia was worried that Alex was going to withdraw, but she didn't expect the blonde to jump up and embrace her in a fierce hug "I love you"

"Alex?"

Olivia pulled back, searching the blonde's eyes and was worried to see tears shining behind the baby blues.

"Hey…"

"I just…I don't want you to go. I…I'm not asking you to stay, I know you can't…and we…slow right?"

"It's okay to need me sometimes, Alex. I need you too, but you're right, we need to take this slowly. You'll call me if you need to talk, whatever the time"

"I will and Liv?"

"Yeah"

"Thanks"

Olivia nodded before placing a gentle kiss on the blonde's lips "I love you too Alex"

Alex nodded as Olivia hugged her again before grabbing her jacket and purse and exiting the apartment.

Alex sighed as she flopped down onto the couch, and closed her eyes.

A few hours later Alex opened her eyes and took a moment to get her bearings as she tried to remember why she would be asleep on her couch, she remembered Olivia and…_Shit! Olivia._

Finding her cell on the counter in the kitchen, she saw she had 3 texts and numerous missed calls. Seeing that all were from Olivia, she berated herself for falling asleep so quickly.

**Just letting you know I'm home. Sweet Dreams Princess, love you. Call me if you need to, anytime. Love Liv xx**

**I've been trying to call you. Hope you're okay and just sleeping or something. Love you. Liv xx**

**Okay, you're worrying me Alex. Let me know you're okay please. Xxx Love you sweetheart. **

Alex hated to worry the brunette; she looked at the clock and saw that it was nearly Midnight. Knowing that Olivia would not be asleep, and more than likely would be on her way over, she decided she had to call and let her know she was okay.

"Alex! Thank god. Are you okay?"

"Calm down" Alex said gently "I fell asleep almost as soon as you'd left"

Olivia breathed out through the phone "Thank god. I was beginning to panic"

"I'm really sorry" Alex said, still beating herself up "I should have text you and told you I was really tired, I just crashed. I really didn't mean to make you worry. Oh god, I'm sorry"

"Hey Alex, calm down. It's okay"

"No, it's not. I'm so fucked up. You worry about me constantly and I give good reason" Alex said feeling the tears begin to spill down her cheeks

"Alex, do you need me to come over?"

"No!" Alex almost shouted before softening her voice and shifting the phone to her other ear "I just want to go back to sleep"

"Okay sweetheart. I'll call you tomorrow"

When Alex ended the call, she let out an angry cry before crawling into the bedroom and going through the motions of undressing before she passed out on the bed.

* * *

When Alex woke the next morning, the first thing she realised was that she was naked, remembering the call to Olivia and the lack of energy she felt, she concluded that she must have fallen asleep before putting on her pyjamas. Sitting up, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, glancing at the clock.

She groaned when it read 7.13am, before flopping back down and closing her eyes. She almost had a heart attack when she remembered she had her first therapist appointment at 9am. Jumping from the bed, she showered and dressed in record time before grabbing her keys.

Sitting in the waiting room, Alex nervously bounced her leg up and down while grasping her hands together tightly. She was terrified and was berating herself for not taking Olivia up on the offer to come along with her but she wanted to do this alone, she had wanted to feel strong, and in control, but right now, she felt anything but those things.

"Alexandra Cabot"

Alex looked up and was met with a relatively tall woman, who had a smile on her face, and must have been about the same age as Alex. Her hair was a mousey brown, cut into a bob and she was dressed casually in jeans and a sweatshirt.

Alex stood up and followed the woman into the small room, where she took a seat on request, her head kept low as she tried to compose herself.

"Alexandra, My name's Dr Gray, Cara Gray"

Alex looked up and took the woman's offered hand, shaking it lightly, hoping that the other woman couldn't see how scared she was

"Alex"

Cara smiled warmly and Alex relaxed a little, maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought.

"So what brings you here today Alex?"

Okay, so maybe it would be hard. Alex took a breath but no words came out as she tried to sort through the jumbled thoughts in her head. She didn't want to blurt out about the abuse, the rapes, and all the crap that had happened subsequently, but she didn't know how else to explain it.

"I was abused and raped by a co worker of my Father. He touched me when I was 8 and before I turned 10, he raped me. I moved and thought that would be it, but he came to New York and raped me every year for 4 years, until I was seventeen and then it just stopped. I told my Father but he didn't want to believe it, My Mom didn't really care either. It was just forgotten. I was told I was fat, every time he raped me and I just stopped eating, I started cutting myself and I felt in control for the first time in my life"

Cara was a little shocked at Alex's admission, and the composure in which she had as she talked, she was concerned about Alex's exterior, she seemed to be strong and courageous, yet her posture in the waiting room and as she had entered this room said otherwise. She wanted to break Alex open, and get her to feel, to be vulnerable so they could work through whatever the issues were now.

"Tell me about how he raped you"

"He'd hold me down, pinning my arms above my head. He told me if I made a noise, he'd kill me. He'd pull my pants down and push…he'd…he'd…oh my god. He'd put his…in me and I…it hurt the first time. I…when…" Alex gasped for breath as the tears fell down her cheeks and she trembled.

Cara knew that physical touch would freak Alex out, so instead she spoke calmly and quietly "He can't hurt you now Alex, breathe with me, in for three…that's it and out for three"

Alex mirrored Cara's breathing and when she returned to the present she took a deep breath and cried.

Cara let her have a few moments, before she approached the blonde "Alex"

"Why did you make me relive that?"

"I needed you to break, to feel something, you were so distant when you were talking to me, and it wasn't good for you. You need to be able to let things go and allow yourself to be vulnerable"

"I hate feeling vulnerable"

"I know. Everyone does Alex, but it's important for us to let our guard down sometimes. Otherwise it consumes you and you end up existing and not living. Talk to me about what's happening in your life right now, what happened to make you come here today?"

"My best friend Olivia, she's a detective with SVU. I'm the ADA assigned to the squad"

"Special Victims, so that's…people…"

"Like me. Victims of abuse, rape…that sort of thing"

Cara was relieved that Alex spoke about herself as a victim, that was a start "How is it, working with that sort of thing after your experiences?"

"It's been okay. I mean, the child cases are always hard, and everything. There was this case, this boy was molested by someone he trusted, he thought that the man loved him, he thought it was normal. He attempted suicide, this boy, because I pushed him too hard to testify, he didn't want to"

"The person who abused him caused him to attempt suicide Alex, not you"

"That's what Olivia says. It's just, no one believed me, and the person who hurt me, he was never punished"

"You wanted this boy to testify to get justice"

Alex nodded as a tear fell down her cheek, she brushed it away "I nearly killed myself. I was going to take some pills, and my room-mate, she found me before I could…I…I got help and I haven't cut since I was like 18"

"His suicide, reminded you of what you were going to do?" Cara asked

Alex nodded "He took an overdose. He's in a coma, with brain damage…that could have been me"

"You said Olivia made you come here, was it her decision…or yours?"

"Mine, ultimately. Olivia mentioned it, but I was adamant I was fine but…I'm not and I don't know how this will help, or if it will"

"I think it is already. You've got the hard part done with"

Alex nodded. She didn't know what else to say. She lowered her head and played with the cuffs of her shirt.

"Do you still think about self harming?"

Alex shrugged but as she looked up at Cara, her eyes gave the truth away.

"Tell me, what do you do to stop the urges?"

"I just think about how far I've come and what I'd be losing…if it came out, if someone saw the cuts, I'd lose my job. It's really all I have, apart from Olivia"

"Olivia, she's your friend right?"

Alex smiled and nodded "My best friend. She's brilliant"

"She means a lot to you" Cara observed

Alex nodded "Yeah"

"Does she know about the self harming?"

Alex nodded "She knows I used to cut, and I told her sometimes, I still think about it"

"How close have you come to relapsing Alex?"

"I've had the blade in my hand sometimes"

"Do you think you can you control that urge?"

Alex shrugged and felt the tears stinging her eyes. She squeezed her eyes closed, and shook her head "I don't know"

Cara nodded. She scribbled something on the back of a card and handed it to Alex "If you find yourself in that position Alex, I want you to call me. That's my personal number. I want to see you every day for at least 2 weeks, baring weekends"

Alex nodded "Thanks"

"I know there's more to talk about, so same time tomorrow?"

"Can we make it a little later? I don't sleep well…"

Cara nodded; making note to discuss the blonde's sleep patterns tomorrow "How about 11am?"

Alex nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeve as she took a deep breath "Is there somewhere you can go Alex, someone you can visit. Olivia, maybe?"

"She's working"

"Call her. I'm not happy about you being alone at the moment. This session was a little heavy for you"

Alex nodded, knowing she wouldn't call Olivia, but Cara didn't need to know that.


	13. Chapter 13

**I apologise profusely for not updating this sooner. I have been so busy and then I was ill last week. Now I am finally able to post this. I am going away for a week on Saturday so this won't be updating until after 5th April. **

**And on a brighter note...Am celebrating 3 years self harm free today! Been an uphill battle and had a minor relapse/setback last year but every day is a new day and we've just got to get back up and brush ourselves down and get on with it.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Warning: Content may be triggering. **

Chapter 13: 

"Alex!" Olivia calls out as she sees the blonde enter the far side of the park later that afternoon. She furrows her brows when she notices the woman in question speed up a little, glancing over her shoulder.

Olivia breaks into a jog, calling after Alex as she does so. The blonde stops and turns around, the brunette almost colliding with her as she comes to a halt.

"Hey" she says gently, laying a hand on the blonde's arm "You okay?"

"Yeah" Alex mumbles avoiding eye contact

"Okay, why did you ignore me Alex? I know you heard me calling you"

The blonde sighs as she lowers her head "I didn't want to see you"

Olivia is hurt at this news but then remembers that Alex had her first therapy session this morning "It was tough today, wasn't it?"

Alex looks up and nods "Yeah"

Olivia smiles as she takes Alex's hand and leads her over to a bench, pulling her down and placing a kiss on her hair "Tell me about it"

"It was…hard. I just, she made me relive what happened and it was just…hard" Alex explained, or tried to

"Why didn't you call me Alex?" Olivia asked

Alex shrugged "I don't know. Cara said she wanted me to call you, to see you, she was worried about me being on my own"

"Where have you been?"

"About. I just went for a walk, and thought about stuff. I didn't want to bother you, you were working. Aren't you meant to be working now?" Alex realised as she looked up into concerned brown eyes

Olivia shook her head "I needed to get out of the precinct. Elliot's driving me insane and this case is getting to me a bit, and I was worried about you"

"I'm okay"

"Are you really? Alex, what else happened at the therapy session?"

"We talked about the self harming" Alex murmured

"And…"

"And I told her I still thought about it. Sometimes Liv, sometimes I get so close that I actually have the means in my hand and I fight so hard not to bring it to my wrist, thighs…I…sometimes I do, but I just can't do it, something stops me from actually cutting. I don't if I can stop though, sometimes…"

Alex was not the first person she had met that had self harmed and she knew that it was a tough battle but she was shocked that Alex was seriously considering a relapse.

"Why did you not say anything?"

"I…didn't want to worry you. I…can you take me home?"

Olivia nodded and stood up, offering her hand to the blonde "Do you want to come back to mine? I could make you something to eat…"

"Yeah" Alex says quietly "Liv, I haven't had anything today"

Olivia nods, she had been expecting this but was pleased that Alex had admitted it openly "It's okay"

"But it's not. Liv, I'm not getting any better am I?" Alex questions

As Olivia turns, she is a little shocked, concerned and relieved that the blonde has tears running along her cheeks. Taking Alex's hand, Olivia leads her from the park. "Alex, listen to me honey. I know right now things seem to be impossible, it feels as if everything is closing in on you and you don't know how it can get better but it will. You are strong, Alex. You could have relapsed before but you haven't, because you know you don't need to, you know you have people to rely on, to prop you up when you stumble and to catch you if you fall. You have me, Lex. I'll be here for you, always"

Alex nods as she wipes away a stray tear "I love you Olivia"

"I love you too babe, so much. Come on, let's go home"

* * *

"Is it okay?" Olivia asks tentatively as she watches Alex take a bite of the chicken she has cooked

Alex nods "Yeah"

"It's not undercooked, overcooked, it tastes okay, right?" Olivia worries

Alex gives a light chuckle as she takes another hesitant bite "It's good Liv. I just, I'm not really hungry"

"Alex"

"No, I know I have to eat and I'm eating it, okay. I won't finish it all, but I'll eat most of it"

Olivia nods, she doesn't want to upset Alex right now and she hates arguing with the blonde, she just worries and she knows her concerns aren't unfounded. Watching Alex take small bites Olivia begins to think about taking some more time off. It's obvious that the blonde isn't coping on her own

"Alex?"

"Mmm"

"When's your next appointment?"

Alex stops eating and turns to look at Olivia "Tomorrow"

"I'll come with you"

"Aren't you working?"

Olivia shakes her head "Fin and Munch are catching. Same time?"

"No. At 11am. She wants to see me every day, except weekends but said that because of what we discussed today, she didn't want to wait until Monday" Alex says quietly

Olivia nods "Alex, I meant what I said in the park. I'm here for you, and I want you to talk to me, whenever you feel down, whenever something plays on your mind, you come to me. Promise me that you'll talk to me before doing anything silly"

Alex takes a breath "Olivia, I want to cut"

"Now, you feel like that right now?" Olivia asks gently, scooting off the bar stool and over to the blonde

Alex nods as she wraps her arms around herself

Olivia puts her arms around the younger woman, placing a kiss to her hair "Alex, you don't want to cut. You think you do, but really, it doesn't help and you know that"

"I know if I went into the bathroom now and took a razor, I wouldn't hesitate" Alex admits

Olivia holds back a gasp and blinks to fight the tears she can feel pooling at Alex's admission "Oh babe"

"No, Liv. Don't pity me, please"

"I don't. Alex, I'm worried about you"

"I know" Alex says gently, turning slightly so she is facing the brunette "Cara, my therapist. She gave me her number, said I could call anytime. I didn't tell her about this, us, she thinks you're my best friend"

"I am"

"She doesn't know you're my girlfriend. I…I'm not ashamed Olivia, I just…I…"

Olivia doesn't feel hurt, she understands and knows Alex needs to know that "Alex. Its fine, you don't have to tell everyone you meet. I hope you will at some point…but you don't have to tell her straight away"

"I want to Liv. I do, I want to tell everyone that I'm in love with the most amazing woman ever, that she's strong, compassionate, and so beautiful. I want people to know we're a couple, that you're heart is mine and vice versa. It's just that today, it was so intense and unexpected and I didn't know how to talk about you and me, at that moment" Alex says as Olivia pulls her into her arms.

The blonde rests her chin on Olivia's shoulder, and inhales the brunette's perfume "You smell lovely"

"Thank you" Olivia murmurs "You done eating?"

Alex nods "Yeah"

Catching the apologetic and embarrassed look gracing the blonde's features, Olivia lifts her head and places a chaste kiss on her lips "You did fine. Come on; let me hold you for a while"

Olivia leads Alex into the living room before sitting on the couch, pulling the blonde into her arms. Switching on the TV via the remote, Olivia finds a comedy channel, hoping to relax the blonde.

A short while later Alex speaks, "I'm scared"

Olivia turns, her focus now on the blonde as she gives a reassuring smile to the younger woman "I know, and it's okay"

"What if I can't control it? What if I wake and I want to cut?"

"Then you wake me. Alex, you're not alone. I don't think this will be easy, in fact, I know it won't but what I do know is that you don't have to fight alone, you have me, and for as long as you need me, I'm here. I will always be here for you, whenever you need me, for whatever you need me. I am not going anywhere okay? If you wake and you get that urge, you wake me, I won't mind, because I'd rather be awake and sitting with you, talking and comforting you than let you hurt yourself"

"What about when you're at work, how will I stop…I don't..."

"I am going to take some time off…" Olivia says and before Alex can interrupt, she continues "Don't try and discourage me, because you need me and I have plenty of vacation time available. I don't want you worrying; I don't want you to be alone with your thoughts"

"Do you think I can resist, control the urge?"

Olivia doesn't know how to respond, she pulls Alex flush against her "I know you're strong Alex, and even strong people falter sometimes. If it happens, it happens, but you have to try to control it. You have to talk, to Cara, to me and you have to be honest"

Alex nods before sighing "Don't let me go, Liv"

"I won't. I've got you sweetheart"

* * *

The rest of the afternoon and evening passes with both women relaxing on the couch before Alex announces she is ready to go to sleep. Olivia doesn't want to leave Alex alone in the bathroom but doesn't want to intrude or make it seem as if she can't be trusted.

Olivia sits on the bed while she waits for Alex to undress and go through her nightly routine. Olivia had already taken her turn in the bathroom and was nervous and uncertain. Their relationship had changed, since the previous evening when Alex had kissed Olivia, and even though they had shared a bed the night previous to that, Olivia wasn't sure she could cope being in close proximity to the blonde now.

As she sat thinking about how this was going to play out, she didn't notice Alex enter the bedroom until she felt the blonde sit beside her and pull her close "What you thinking about?"

"Uh, oh nothing really"

Alex raised a suspicious brow "Okay" she said hesitantly before getting into the bed

Olivia continued to sit on the bed as she waited for Alex to climb under the covers; the blonde got settled and then looked questionably at Olivia

"Are you going to sit there all night, or are you going to join me in the bed?" she asked

"Uh, Oh yeah" Olivia mumbled as she stood

"What's wrong Liv?" Alex asked with concern

"Nothing" Olivia answered quickly and Alex shook her head unconvinced

"Olivia?"

"Are you sure you want this?" Olivia asked quietly

"This? You mean us, or…?" Alex asked, her voice cracking as she worried about what Olivia was trying to say. She didn't know how she would cope if she didn't have Olivia by her side, or if the brunette wanted to end the relationship, before it had really begun.

"I just want you to be sure Alex, that you want me, that you want to give us a try, I don't want to hurt you, or upset you and if you decide this was a mistake, that's fine but I…since you kissed me yesterday, I haven't stopped thinking about you, and how much you mean to me. I want this to work and I don't know if this is too quick, or too much and I don't want you realising it was a mistake and lose our friendship" Olivia rambles, finally taking a long breath as she finishes

Alex gives a light chuckle and pats the bed "Get over here Olivia"

Olivia tentatively slips under the covers, blushing at her emotions and thoughts as she sighs in relief.

Alex pulls the brunette towards her, hugging her close "I am sure, more sure now than ever that this is what I want. I won't regret it, not for one minute. I really want this to work too Olivia. Relax, its fine. It's not too quick, and you'd never hurt me. I am sure of that"

Olivia sighs again "Promise me you'll wake me"

Alex nods "I will. Olivia, why were you so hesitant to get into the bed with me? Was it really because you wanted me to be sure"

Olivia blushes as she mumbles inaudibly before repeating louder "I don't want to make you uncomfortable"

"Why would you make me uncomfortable, Liv?"

"What if I touch you?"

Alex furrows her brows "You're touching me now, Olivia"

"I mean, somewhere else. Alex, you're beautiful, and I love you so much and I…" Olivia begins before she is cut off with lips on her own

Alex pulls back and smiles "You can touch me anytime, anywhere…if I want you to stop, I will tell you but seriously Olivia, I don't mind. I love you too"

Olivia nods sheepishly as she places a kiss on Alex's cheek "Shall we go to sleep"

"I think so"

**I'll be back soon. I promise. :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm back. Had a lovely week in Malta, but now I am home and I can write again! I had most of this thought out before I came back and now I have finally put it into a chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER. **

**I want to do a couple of shout outs before we get on with this chapter. **

**Keonquil: Thank you for your kind words. Writing has always been a huge part of my recovery and although sometimes my pieces are dark, and triggering, it gives me relief in a different way. (Does that make sense?)**

**Bkwrmchar: Definitely. While this is an Alex based story, I do hope to and intend to be able to include Olivia's past and insecurities into the story. **

**Linda: Thank you! Congratulations on hitting 7 months. Keep staying strong and know you can always talk to me, if you need to. I met a lovely young woman called Linda on a poetry site I am part of, and seeing the name on your review, it made me smile and think of her, so thanks for that too. Alex and Olivia will always be a huge thing (to me, anyway)**

Chapter 14:

The next morning, Alex was understandably nervous. Olivia watched the blonde fidget on the couch, worried that Alex had gone back on her word to wake her if she was struggling. Olivia had expected to be woken, and it concerned her that she hadn't been.

"Alex" she said quietly, as not to startle the woman but received no response, she attempted again, this time moving a little closer. Alex didn't move an inch when Olivia sat beside her, nor did she seem to be aware of the brunette's proximity. "Alex"

Alex blinks before she looks up at Olivia and jumps, startled "Liv!"

Olivia gives the blonde a small smile, her brows furrowed in concern "I've been trying to get your attention Alex, where were you?"

"Just thinking" Alex said

Olivia nodded as she tentatively put her arm around the blonde's shoulder "Want to share?"

Alex shook her head before standing "It's nothing. I guess we should go"

Olivia stood and followed the blonde as she collected her things "Alex. It's okay to be nervous, scared, worried…I'm right here"

"I know. Liv, I know you are and it means so much to me. I'm just scared of everything"

"Its okay" Olivia soothed as she pulled Alex towards her, the blonde crumbling in Olivia's strong arms "It's okay, you're okay. You're going to be fine"

Olivia allowed Alex to cry it out as they stood by the door, the blonde's thin frame nestled into Olivia's body, the brunette's arms tightly embracing the woman.

After a few moments, Alex let out a shaky breath and withdrew herself from Olivia's comfort, before smiling shyly "Sorry" she murmured

Olivia reached out and brushed her thumb lightly over the blonde's cheek "It's alright, babe. Feel better?"

"A little" Alex answered "We better go"

Olivia nodded as she took the blonde's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze "I'm still here"

The journey to the therapist's office was silent, the only sound that could be heard was Alex's slightly laboured breathing, a sign that she was trying to hold everything together. Olivia was still concerned that Alex had not woken her in the night, she hoped that it was because the blonde slept well, nightmare free and had no thoughts of harming herself but she was worried that the opposite could be true and that Alex had done something and was feeling guilty about it.

As Olivia turned the final corner, she became aware that Alex was gasping for breath. Parking the car quickly by the curb, Olivia took the blonde's hands in her own and spoke firmly but soothingly "Alex, you need to breathe. Come on baby, breathe with me okay. In and out…you're okay Alex, just keep breathing"

It seemed to take forever for Alex to calm down, her whole body was trembling and the tears were spilling from her cheeks. Olivia continued her soothing words, her hands still holding the blonde's.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Alex sobbed, choking on her emotion

Olivia was worried Alex would send herself into another panic attack and decided that some fresh air would do some good. Getting out of the car, Olivia had to fight back her own tears at seeing Alex so shaken. She opened the door and led the blonde from the seat, talking calmly and soothingly "Now Alex, we're going to walk the rest of the way. Just breathe, in and out…don't stop, keep breathing"

Alex tried to concentrate on her breathing but she was finding it increasingly difficult. As she took a few steps, her knees buckled. Olivia reached out to steady the blonde, grabbing her arm as she did so. Alex yelped and yanked her hand away, falling to the floor sobbing.

Olivia knew why Alex had cried out, she knew her touch had been painful and she knew why. She had been worried about this but hadn't wanted to upset the blonde but now she was more concerned. Alex seemed to be getting worse, and Olivia didn't know what she could do to help.

Deciding not to say anything at this present time, Olivia bent down and put her arm around the blonde's shoulders, guiding her into a standing position and with some difficulty she was able to assist Alex to the building where the therapist office was situated. Olivia knew that this was going to be hard on the blonde but she was worried that Alex wouldn't open up; the blonde was shaking and crying as they entered the waiting room. Olivia helped Alex onto the couch before giving the appointment details to the receptionist.

As 11am approached, the door to the office opened and Cara poked her head through, she furrowed her brows at the sight of Alex curled into Olivia's lap, her body trembling as she continued to cry. Olivia stroking her back gently, looking anguished.

"Alexandra?"

Alex gasped as she looked up and then clung to Olivia with fear in her eyes "Don't leave me, please"

Cara grew concerned at the blonde's behaviour, and she gathered that the other woman was Olivia.

"Alex, Olivia is going to wait right here" Cara said gently, locking eyes with the brunette who nodded in confirmation

"I'm going to be here when you come out Alex, its okay" Olivia attempted to soothe but Alex clung to her as she shook her head

"No, please. I need you Olivia, I can't…I…please"

Olivia didn't want to leave Alex but she knew that these sessions worked better when it was just the therapist and patient. She had sat in on consultations with victims before, but as a detective, there to observe and offer support. With Alex it was different, it was personal and she was too close to remain passive and not show her emotions.

Olivia stood and offered her hand to Alex who took it and allowed Olivia to help her up. As they walked towards the room, Olivia placed a kiss on Alex's cheek and whispered "I love you"

Alex gave a small smile and nodded her head, before following Cara into the room.

Olivia took a breath and returned to her seat, a tear escaping her eye and she allowed her own emotion and concern to spill out.

* * *

Cara observed the woman in front of her, who was desperately trying to compose herself. She was clinging to the side of the couch, taking deep breaths and every time she seemed to relax she burst into a fresh round of tears. Cara didn't want to push Alex into talking, but she was worried, and she didn't know if Alex was going to take the first step. She didn't want them to continue sitting like this for the full hour session and not achieve anything.

"Alex" she said commandingly "Tell me what's happened since yesterday"

"Nothing" Alex said adamantly "Nothing happened"

Cara took a breath before she moved over to the couch; she took Alex's hands in her own and gently asked "Which arm?"

Alex turned and looked at the other woman, her eyes red from crying, her brows sweaty and her hair matted to her head "Both" she whispered

Cara carefully rolled up the blonde's sleeves and between the faint white scars of the past, on both arms was a cut about 3 inches in left. Neither was overly deep and would not require stitches but they were jagged and matted with blood, it was obvious that they hadn't been cleaned properly.

"Does Olivia know?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders before answering "I think so, but I didn't tell her"

Cara stood, heading over to the cabinet and sink situated in the corner of the room. Alex pulled her arms close to her, trying to shield herself from the exposure she felt.

When Cara returned, she gave Alex a small smile and extended her hand, silently asking Alex for her arms. Alex allowed Cara to clean the cuts, wishing that it was Olivia and not her therapist; she felt guilty and silently berated herself for her lack of strength.

"Tell me what happened" Cara pressed again

"I tried so hard" Alex said quietly "I really did. Olivia told me to wake her, but I…I didn't want her to see how weak I was. I…was scared. I knew it would happen"

"You live together?" Cara asked as she covered the blonde's arms with her sleeves. She wanted them to heal naturally and they needed the air to do that.

Alex shook her head "She comes over to mine sometimes, and I stay at hers. We're, she's my girlfriend"

Cara smiled at Alex's admission "I'm glad you've got someone. She sounds really special"

Alex blushes and nods "She is"

"How did you sleep?" Cara asks, remembering the conversation yesterday

"Okay" Alex said "I didn't have any nightmares, but I woke early. About 4ish"

"Tell me what happened when you woke up"

"I lay next to Olivia, but I started thinking…about whether she was with me out of pity. It's really new, the relationship itself and being with a woman, for me, anyway. We haven't really known each other for long, but we became friends, she's such a laugh to be around but for ages, I've always been reserved. I don't like people to get too close"

Cara listens, watching Alex's face flit through emotions, worry, fear, contentment, love.

"After what happened with that kid, she was there. She didn't give up; she wanted to get to know me, that's what she kept saying. I know she had feelings for me, I knew she was gay. I didn't expect myself to start feeling things, she's really kind, so caring, she has the biggest heart but this is all off the back of me opening up. Talking to victims, it's her job. She knows how to get people to trust her, she's easy to trust, but I just…I started questioning it, I know I shouldn't have. She loves me, as much as I love her, I know that"

Cara smiles at the way Alex talks about Olivia, she knows this woman is good for the blonde.

"Everything became jumbled. I was confused and scared. I knew it would happen, that I'd break. I just…I began thinking about how it felt to feel, to let everything out. I…just…I kept telling myself I didn't need to, but it didn't help. My arms, they just looked so inviting"

"You didn't clean them after, Alex" Cara observed, her tone was questioning, and Alex felt as if she was being judged

"Olivia woke up, she needed the toilet. I was so scared that she'd open the door and see. I just threw everything into the cabinet, pulled down my sleeves and left the bathroom. She was half asleep, I don't think she even realised something was wrong"

"Are those things still in the cabinet?"

Alex nodded "Yeah"

"You need to talk to Olivia" Cara explained "That's what I want you to do, now. We've about 10 minutes left, but tomorrow is Sunday, so I won't be seeing you. You still have my number right?"

Alex nodded as Cara continued "Call me, if you need to, but talk to Olivia first. I'm going to give you both a little space"

Cara stood and opened the door; she stepped out, shutting it behind her. She smiled at Olivia as she approached

"Olivia?"

Olivia stood, worried but confused "Yes"

"I'm going to give you and Alex some space to talk for a few minutes. Just listen to what she has to say, that's all I ask. Let her talk"

* * *

"Alex?" Olivia said gently as she opened the door and stepped inside

Alex looked up and crumbled, tears flowing fast and unreservedly. Olivia dropped down next the blonde and pulled her close.

After a few minutes Alex pulled away "I'm sorry"

Olivia guessed what the blonde was apologising for, but she needed to hear it herself. She didn't respond, but looked at the blonde patiently

"I cut myself, this morning" Alex said quietly

Olivia allowed a tear to fall, but brushed the rest away before they could escape. She took a breath and reached for the blonde's hands, silently asking for permission.

Alex shook her head but didn't pull her hands away. Olivia accepted the refusal, and kept holding the blonde's hands. "I love you Alex"

Alex started crying again "Do you?"

Olivia furrowed her brows, dropping the blonde's hands "Of course I do" she said, a little angrier than she had meant to. She took a breath, remembering what Cara had asked and waited for Alex to continue

"I know, but this morning. I was questioning whether this was all just because you pitied me, or felt sorry for me" Alex explained, quickly continuing before Olivia could interrupt "I know it's silly. I don't know why I felt like that and then I started thinking about what it felt like when I cut and I needed that again. I needed to feel, I needed to feel myself. When you woke up, that's what I was doing in the bathroom"

Olivia listened, she hated to think that Alex hadn't woken her before she cut; she hated to think that Alex thought she didn't love her, not truly. That couldn't be further from the truth.

"Alex, I love you so much. I mean it. I have never loved anyone more than I love you, you're beautiful, you really are. Never ever doubt that I love you. Talk to me, next time, please"

Alex nodded, allowing Olivia to take her hands in her own once again. Alex looked up, knowing what Olivia wanted and nodded. This was the hardest thing she had ever done. She had never shown anyone the scars before, baring Cara. She had never shown anyone she loved.

Olivia rolled up a sleeve, and held back a gasp, and sob as she looked at the angry cut made by the blonde. "Oh Alex"

Alex lowered her head in shame before mumbling "The other arm as well"

Olivia didn't need to see anymore, she had heard the blonde's admission and that was enough. She didn't want to push too hard, she didn't want to make Alex feel worse than she did. She covered the blonde's arm and pulled her close, kissing her temple as she brushed a strand of hair from her face "I love you baby"

**That was a tough chapter to write and probably a tough one to read as well. You all know that self harm and the recovery from it and sexual trauma is a slow and difficult one, so please, allow Alex the time she needs. I won't be rushing this story. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Another chapter for you. A little longer than the others, but I was really inspired today and I had to get this chapter out. **

**I'll add a TRIGGER WARNING to this chapter, it's not as heavy as the last, but just to be safe. **

**Thank you all for your support throughout this story, it means a lot ****that you are with me on this journey. As well as with Alex and Olivia. **

**(To anyone reading any of my other stories, this one is my main focus at the moment. I have found that when I try and write more than one at a time, I toss out less than perfect chapters. So, this one is my main focus for the time being but I haven't forgotten the others)**

Chapter 15:

Cara watched the two women leave the building, and ran a hand through her hair. She had given Alex some leaflets to look through, one had tips about how to control the urges and how to talk about the thoughts and things she was feeling, one had information about a sexual abuse support group and one was about a meditation class.

Cara hoped that Alex would take the steps needed to relax herself and recover. She had wanted to talk to Olivia but confidentiality limited her to what she was able to discuss, she hoped that the brunette had a support system she could rely on as she knew it would be hard on her as Alex went through her recovery.

Outside, Olivia held Alex's hand as they walked to where Olivia had parked the car. Once she had pulled out of the space, she decided to talk to Alex about lunch. "Do you want to go somewhere for lunch Alex, or shall I try and cook something at mine?"

Alex looked up, and gave Olivia a small smile "Can we go home?"

Olivia furrowed her brows "You want me to take you to your place?" she clarified

Alex shook her head "No, I want to go to yours. Home"

Olivia smiled as she reached over to take Alex's hand in her own, giving it a squeeze she said "Home"

As Olivia pulled up outside her apartment she groaned at the figure waiting patiently on the doorstep. Alex looked up at the noise coming from beside her and shook her head erratically. "Olivia, he can't see my like this, I can't…he can't…"

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand "I wasn't expecting him until later. He's dropping some files off for me. I'll get rid of him. Relax"

Alex took a breath and nodded, turning her head away as Olivia got out from the car and the figure approached.

"Elliot" Olivia said quietly "Now isn't a good time"

"Is that Cabot?"

Olivia nodded as she took the box from his hand "Thanks for these. I'll call you later"

"Olivia…"

"El. Let it go"

Elliot nodded, knowing how stubborn his partner was and how devoted she was to the blonde; he knew that whatever was happening was something that Olivia wouldn't discuss, at least not yet.

Alex released the breath she was holding as Elliot walked away, he glanced in her direction and gave her a sad nod of the head, she knew he had concerns. They weren't close, she had found him irritating and a little pig headed but he was Olivia's best friend, her partner and he cared about her a great deal. She had to learn to work with him, even if sometimes it wasn't easy.

"You okay?" Olivia asked as she opened the door, offering her hand to Alex. The blonde nodded in response, and let Olivia lead her inside.

Once they were in the apartment, Olivia placed the box on the table and went into the kitchen to make drinks, she had expected Alex to follow but when she turned around, Alex was standing in the living room, looking at the box

"Alex…?"

"I'm stopping you from working, you should be at work"

Olivia headed back out and stood in front of Alex, forcing the blonde to shift her gaze from the box to the woman in front of her. "Alex. They can manage without me for a couple of weeks. I asked Elliot to bring me some files, cold cases, things I could do from here, so that I was with you. None of them know why I'm taking time off, except Elliot, and he only knows that you need a friend."

"You're more than a friend, Liv"

Olivia smiled and nodded "That I am. But we're taking things slow, I said there was no pressure for us to announce it, and I mean it. I don't want to push you into anything you aren't ready for. Declaring our relationship to the guys will come with a load of questions that we are not ready for"

Alex nodded, she understood what Olivia was saying, but she hated taking the brunette from her job. She was good at it and contrary to what she had said, she was needed. None of the other detectives had her empathy, not in the way she did, and they couldn't connect with the children. That was Olivia's speciality.

"I was going to make us a light lunch, but I don't know what you want. I could do some scrambled egg, or a salad of some kind. Is there anything you'd like?"

Alex thought for a moment, her first instinct had been to deny that she was hungry but she was and she wanted to try and eat something. She didn't want to worry Olivia anymore than she was.

"I'm quite hungry actually, so I'll eat whatever you decide"

Olivia smiled, she knew that Alex was putting on a brave front, but she was glad that she was trying. "I'll see what I can do. You can give me a hand though; I'm not your personal chef"

Alex allowed herself a light chuckle, and asked Olivia what she needed help with. They worked together side by side, Olivia slicing the salad items, deciding that asking Alex to use a knife would be too much of a temptation and not what the blonde needed. Alex washed and arranged the lettuce in a bowl, before taking the items Olivia had sliced and adding them to the salad.

Once the salad was ready, both women sat down at the table and began to eat. Alex wasn't shovelling the food in but she was eating, and she managed a relatively average portion before excusing herself.

Olivia watched as Alex heading into the bathroom, and held her breath for what seemed like forever. When the blonde emerged she gave Olivia a nervous smile and sat back at the table.

After a heavy silence, both women spoke at the same time.

"Alex"

"Olivia"

Olivia chuckled while Alex lowered her head. The brunette reached out and lightly touched the blonde's hand "You okay?"

Alex nodded and then shook her head "I need you to empty the cabinet"

Olivia furrowed her brows but understood when Alex pulled her sleeves down over her hands and looked towards the bathroom.

"Alex…?" she questioned, concerned

"I know that stuff is in there. I…I hid it when you woke up and needed the loo this morning. I…it's too much to handle moving it, but it's there and I know it is"

Olivia scooted of the chair and pulled Alex into a standing position, giving her a warm hug before kissing her gently on the lips. She wanted to convey her love, the care she had for the blonde but she didn't want to initiate a full blown make out session. Alex didn't need that right now. She needed comfort and Olivia was happy to give just that. "How about you take a seat on the couch, I do what needs to be done and then we watch some television while we cuddle?"

Alex nodded, giving a small smile "Sounds lovely"

Olivia made sure Alex was comfortable and okay while she tended to the bathroom. Olivia found it difficult to keep her emotions in check when she saw the blood covered blade and the first aid materials haphazardly hidden in haste.

Olivia found a plastic bag and disposed of the items into it. She didn't want to leave it anywhere where Alex could find it but at the same time, she didn't want to pass the blonde holding the bag either. Deciding she had no choice, she opened the door and headed out into the living room. Alex's eyes went towards Olivia and then down to the bag, she turned her head away in shame as the tears began welling in her eyes.

Olivia wanted to comfort Alex, but she had to get rid of the items first. Without saying anything, she tossed them into the trash bin in the kitchen, before heading back out to Alex. She sat down next to the blonde and wrapped her in her arms, soothingly stroking her hair.

Both women were crying, Alex's sobs were loud, heavy and painful while Olivia's were silent, full of sadness and love for the women in her arms.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Olivia awoke with Alex still in her arms. Both women must have fallen asleep amidst their tears. Olivia glanced at her clock, concluding that they'd been asleep for nearly three hours.

She didn't want to wake Alex, the blonde needed rest. Carefully extracting herself from the position they had found themselves in, Olivia picked up the box that Elliot had brought over and settled into the armchair.

Olivia had asked Elliot to bring some cold cases over, she didn't want Alex to feel bad about her taking some time off and she decided that she needed something productive to do while she looked after the blonde. Olivia could see that Alex was musing earlier when she had looked at the box, and she guessed that the blonde missed working.

Olivia didn't know how much time had passed when she looked up from the file she had been reading, but Alex was awake, and looking at Olivia with some strange expression on her face.

"Alex…" Olivia said gently. It seemed the blonde was in a trance like state, she was staring at Olivia, her eyes boring into the brunette, her mouth slightly ajar.

Without warning, Alex flew from the couch into the brunette's arms, smashing their mouths together hungrily. Olivia wouldn't have protested, but she was concerned. Alex wasn't hurting her, but she didn't seem to be aware of what she was doing. She was kissing Olivia as if her life depended on it and the brunette was trying to comprehend what was happening.

Pushing the blonde away, without wanting to cause harm, Olivia shook her head and stood from the armchair. "What the hell, Alex?"

"I want you Liv, I want you so bad it hurts" Alex said, attempting to return to her actions

Olivia shivered at the words but then realised that Alex wasn't really there, she seemed to be in her own world. Olivia didn't know what to do, but she knew she couldn't allow Alex to continue. Either the blonde was sleep walking, or she had had some sort of nightmare or flashback and needed comfort.

Olivia turned her head away and darted towards the kitchen. She stood watching Alex for a moment, as the blonde lowered her head to the floor and sunk to her knees.

Olivia approached carefully and gently, crouching beside the blonde, and touching her shoulder "Alex"

The blonde had her eyes closed, tears were escaping from the sides but no noise was being made. As she felt the touch she jerked her head upwards and whispered "Make me feel again, Liv. Make me feel loved"

Olivia felt her heart break at the blonde's obvious distress. She pulled Alex into her arms and whispered soothingly "I love you"

Alex let Olivia comfort her before she lifted her head and attempted to kiss Olivia. Olivia was still concerned about Alex's state of mind. She was forcing the issue, and Olivia knew it needed to be discussed. Shaking her head, Olivia stood and offered her hand to Alex "Come and sit with me"

Alex followed, and as she sat beside the brunette, she began to cry "Why won't you make love to me?"

Olivia took a deep breath "Alex, you need time to heal, to get better. Sex won't help that; you're in no place to cope with it. I love you with all my heart and I know that when the time is right, I'd love nothing more than to make love to you. Rushing into things won't do you any good, and I'd hate for it to cause you more pain than you already feel. I'm here for you always, I won't stop loving you, but neither of us is ready to take that step yet"

Alex understood what Olivia was saying, she knew she was right. She continued to cry, and she let Olivia hold her as she did so. "I had a nightmare"

Olivia nodded, whispering gently "Shh, it's over now. It's okay"

After Alex had calmed, she lifted her head and gave Olivia a half hearted smile "I'm sorry. I must have seemed a right freak"

Olivia was about to tell Alex she was far from a freak until Alex laughed and lowered her head.

"I'm joking Olivia. I don't want to cry anymore"

Olivia nodded and kissed Alex's forehead before pulling her close again. They lay like this for the next hour, content in each other's arms.

* * *

That night, Alex slept peacefully through the night. Olivia sensed that the emotions of the day had caught up on the blonde; she was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow while Olivia lay thinking until the early hours of the morning.

As the sun began to rise, Olivia decided that she could no longer try and sleep, it would be impossible. She decided that she'd take a look at the leaflets that Cara had given Alex after the session the previous day.

She read through the leaflet that listed different techniques that Alex could try if she felt the urge to cut. Some were simple, distractions such as cleaning, watching a movie marathon, and then she began to read about others ways to cause pain without actual harm. Snapping an elastic band around her wrist, squeezing ice cubes in her hand and eating a jar of jalapeno peppers were just some ideas.

Olivia continued to read, she gasped when she read about taking long showers, to rid the thought of harming oneself, as she recalled the lengthy shower that Alex had taken before bed. Olivia had allowed Alex to take the time she needed, not wanting to worry but now, she was concerned that Alex had used this technique because she was struggling.

She didn't want to wake the blonde or ask her, for fear of upsetting her or seeming as if she didn't trust her. Carefully, as not to disturb the woman, she rolled up her sleeves, letting out a breath as she saw no new fresh cuts on either arm. But she knew that there were other places one could cut, or others ways in which they could cause harm. She had to trust Alex.

Olivia read through the other leaflets and was just finishing reading about meditation classes when the blonde beside her began to stir.

Placing the leaflets on the cabinet beside the bed, Olivia rolled over, and waited for Alex to come to. The blonde opened her eyes and gave a lazy smile at the woman who was hovering above her.

"Hi" she whispered sleepily

"Hi you" Olivia replied before leaning down and capturing Alex's lips in a gentle kiss. When she pulled back, she smiled widely and rested her head on the blonde's shoulder

"What was that for?" Alex asked, her heart beating rapidly at the emotions and feelings Olivia had stirred

"Because I love you, and you're amazing"

Alex blushed before replying "I love you too"

"Shall I go make breakfast?" Olivia asked gently, not wanting to pressure Alex with food so early in the morning, but knowing that she should try and eat something. They hadn't eaten the night before, Alex's breakdown after the nightmare had been too much for the blonde and she refused anything Olivia suggested.

Alex tensed at the mention of food but replied confidently "In a minute. I want to lay with you for a little while longer"

Olivia felt the blonde's tension but didn't comment on it, Alex hadn't refused, that was okay for the time being. "What do you want to do today?"

"I don't mind. I'm happy just to cuddle you, while you work" Alex replied

Olivia nodded and then suggested "I was thinking I could put some music on, and we could try some meditation"

Alex shifted from under Olivia, causing the brunette to wonder if she had been pushing too much in a short time.

"I don't know, Liv"

Olivia nodded "It's okay, it was only a suggestion. We don't have to anything you don't want to"

"I want to get better Olivia, I do. I just…meditation, it seems, I don't know, not something I'm comfortable with"

"That's fine. Alex, I know you're trying, and I'm proud of you. You're amazing, Alexandra, and don't you ever doubt it"

Alex smiled as she rolled onto her side and placed a hand on the brunette's waist "I love you Olivia"

"I love you too, so much"

"Shall we get up?" Alex asked as she rolled onto her back before sitting up

Olivia nodded, as she sat up beside the blonde "You getting dressed before breakfast?"

Alex shook her head "I thought we could lounge in our pyjamas, seeing as its 8am on a Sunday" she said with a chuckle

Olivia laughed "Sorry, I didn't really sleep well. I didn't mean to disturb you"

"You didn't" Alex said, knowing that Olivia had probably been awake worrying about her most of the night. She hated that she was hurting the brunette, but she was trying so hard, it just didn't seem to be enough.

Olivia made a light breakfast, of fruit and pancakes while the blonde poured the orange juice. They ate on the couch, while watching cartoons. Alex thought it was cute that Olivia liked to watch Tom and Jerry and Pink Panther in her pyjamas when she had a day off.

"What?" Olivia said as she noticed Alex watching her

"Nothing, you just look so adorable"

Olivia swatted Alex playfully on the shoulder, and the blonde laughed before launching at Olivia, tickling her sides.

Olivia squirmed and giggled as she playfully tried to fight the blonde. "Alex, stop, stop…it's not funny"

"What are you laughing for then?"

"Because it tickles!"

Alex stopped tickling Olivia and gazed at her from above before leaning in to press her lips against the brunette's.

They kissed gently, then with more urgency before Olivia parted her lips and Alex sought out her tongue with her own. Olivia moaned into the kiss and Alex began to work her hand under the brunette's nightshirt.

"Alex" Olivia warned with a gasp as she broke the kiss

"Shh, we're just kissing" the blonde replied before capturing the brunette's lips again

The combination of the blonde's lips on her own and the hand that was inching ever closer to her breast was sending the brunette on fire. "Alex" she said again, breathlessly and half heartedly

Alex lifted her head and felt her stomach flutter at the sight of Olivia panting beneath her, obviously finding her actions increasingly arousing and difficult to ignore.

"I love you Olivia" Alex whispered

"Al…I love you too"

Alex decided to take pity on the brunette, and lifted herself off of the brunette, pulling her up and into her arms "You're beautiful Olivia Benson" she whispered, knowing that when the time came, making love to the brunette would be magical.

**I am aware that the relationship between Alex and Olivia needs to move slowly, I just can't resist having a bit of fun with them. Alex is far from ready for anything more than a bit of kissing and fondling, even if she tries to initiate more. **


End file.
